exhaustion

i try, but i don't really understand how studying works. and i don't mean how learning works, i mean how the students here in mcgill go about studying. i mean, finals are starting, the libraries are cramped, it's impossible to find a seat in mclennan, and you can almost read the stress and frustration when you look at people's faces. but how does it work? do they study every waking hour taking small breaks for lunch/dinner? do they study until they can't keep their eyes open anymore? do they resort to other ways to keep themselves awake? i'm not including myself in all this because although i am one of them, sitting here in the library since 8:00am, i don't feel like i'm even close to having their level of determination, their knowledge, and their drive. and why? well, because i have given up. why? because 2 years have made me realize that no matter how many hours i put into it i will never get the results that i want, the results that i think i deserve. yes i'm a bad test-taker, yes i get nervous, and yes i believe exams are not representative of knowledge. But it is the way it's done and who am i to question it, right? no. i do question it because i am one of the many who are being submitted to this flawed (in my opinion) system. and what do i really get out of it at the end? a diploma from McGill University.

FINAL REPORT

I never would have imagined that I would live an experience such as the one I have lived this semester. I’m honestly not trying to suck up or overly exaggerate but I’m surprisingly shocked at what I have learned about myself this term, and the fact that it is actually due to McGill. What I mean by this is not that McGill is the source of all evil and a horror in disguise, but rather the fact that in a way I have always felt the bureaucracy that surrounds me, the university’s need to excel, and the weight that McGill attributes to producing excellent students rather than excellent people. This might sound naive simply because it is well known that college does not determine who we become in life but rather gives us the tools to choose our own path. However I believe, and it might be completely due to where I come from and the values I was raised with, that the schools we attend and the people we meet along the way do in fact have a big impact on who we become in life, on the decisions we make, on the path we choose to follow, but most importantly of all, who we will be at the end of the road and whether we will have lived a life we can be proud of, or one that we will regret. Where I am trying to get, and what I am trying to point out with this is that before September, the impression I had gotten from McGill was that it would make me the best student I could possibly be, and it would open a lot of doors for me. However I never considered the possibility that McGill would have an impact (big or small) regarding my personal growth, my beliefs and my values. In spite of this, today, December 2, 2009, I can honestly and happily say I have been proven wrong. It is a funny feeling being happy about being wrong, I guess most people go through life and never experience it, but I’m glad I did.

Getting back on track, I just want to say that after a surprising and a beyond doubt revealing semester, I can say with certainty and honesty that I am truly a different person after having taken this class. And it’s not a change that can be seen immediately, it’s probably not even a change that can be seen at all, but it’s a change that I can feel, it’s a change of perspective, a broadening of knowledge, a change of self, of thought, of views and of values. It may sound somewhat ridiculous, and it might not even sound realistic, but to me this sums up pretty well what I lived this semester. The reason why I’m guessing this paper reads like silly teenager sharing her love for twilight, is because I just really need to make clear, point out, and explain well why I’m so grateful for what this class has done for me. I have always been a person (and I shared some of this in my entries) that goes through life without many expectations. Personal experience has taught me that building hopes as well as trusting people are sure ways of getting hurt. Why? Firstly because if you don’t have hope then you can’t feel disappointment, but most importantly because in my experience people always leave; in my case my father, grandfather, and siblings. My skepticism and pessimism rule the way I have thought for years, to the point where I no longer know or even notice my constant negative thoughts, sarcasm, and doubts. However, this class, the reflection exercises and the journal entries, have taught me to think about how I think, to think about why I think the way I do, to think about the experiences that have shaped the way that I am and the person I have become, to think about the reasons behind my actions, and to question whether a change needs to be made.

So what can I say struck me the most about this experience? This is a tough question to answer considering the fact that to me, everything is interrelated in a sense because my discoveries regarding this assignment are all due to the thorough analysis of my actions. Well, first of all and in complete honesty, my daily journal entries and the constant delving into my own self, was tiring some of the time when I really did not feel like sitting down and thinking about the things that I’m doing wrong in my life in, the changes I should probably make (which is basically what every entry boiled down to – changes I wanted/want to make). Something, maybe irrelevant, that just hit me is the name of my blog: “write&discover”. This is the name that I gave it the very same day it was created and to tell you the truth I have no idea why I chose that name more than a month ago. Now I look back at it and I find it perfect, but back then I had absolutely no clue how this blog was going to impact my life. So maybe, and I cannot believe I’m saying (or writing) this, but just maybe I named it “write&discover” because I had hope..? Hope that I would be able to discover useful things about myself, hope that throughout this month I would actually get the tools for becoming a better person, the person I want to be. Or maybe it wasn’t hope at all, but rather a name that came up with due to a sudden, rare, surge of inspiration (my skepticism talking).

Still I realize I have not said what struck me the most, and maybe that’s because I don’t know which experience was the biggest, most important, most relevant one. So many I can think of, the times where I surprised myself (quitting smoking), the times where I failed (smoked – started all over again), and the time when I realized just how low my self-esteem really is (constantly applying make-up, inability to speak up in class..). All these experiences, some good some bad, struck me in different ways at one point or another and therefore I regard them all as equally important and equally impressionable.

I would like to add some things that have struck me, not during the experience, but rather after the experience, meaning during the time between my last journal entry (November 22nd) and today (December 2nd). One of the things I noticed needs a preview in order for you to understand it, so here it is: one of the many things I wrote about in my entries is how I watch around 15 TV shows weekly (give or take a few), how I rarely miss episodes, and how “apparently, I'd rather spend my time watching how fictional people live their fictional lives instead of thinking about how I live my, real, life.” (quoting myself – blog entry #7). So, what did I do without even noticing? Without paying attention, and definitely not on purpose? I stopped watching all these TV shows, and it might sound as irrelevant, and unimportant, but to me this is a big step. A person who used to follow so many TV shows, a person who focused on the lives of others in order to avoid her own, suddenly stops doing this without the intent or the purpose, is a big deal on my book. This means that I have had more time in my hands, and what have I done with this time you may ask. Well, the second thing that struck me as quite surprising is the fact that I bought a book and actually found the time to start reading it less than a week ago. What I am trying to say is not that I don’t enjoy reading, but rather the opposite: I love reading. However, ever since I got here 2 ½ years ago I am pretty sure the only books I have read are the ones I buy in airports to read on the plane every time I go back and forth from here to Dominican and vice versa. The third (quite surprising for me), and last thing that I realized after finishing my entries is that I actually missed writing. I have constantly found myself thinking about what I would write that day, the thing that I noticed, an experiment I wanted to try, or simply something I wanted to change. And so, when I found myself consistently disappointed about the fact that my assignment was over I thought: who says it has to be over? The class may have ended but my life hasn’t, my opportunities for learning haven’t ended, the thrill I get when I achieve something I never thought I could doesn’t have to end, so in conclusion: my entries don’t have to end. And they won’t. I will continue to write. I will write about anything that comes to mind, so the blog will probably take a different direction, but the point is I will be letting everything out. I won’t be holding things in, which means that I won’t continue to sink in a whole of self-pity, resentment, and unhappiness, but rather I will find a way to get through my problems and through my frustrations through my writing which is what I truly love. So thank you, again, for yet another reason: thank you for helping me reconnect with my true passion: writing. And thank you for making me understand the one thing that I desperately needed in order to reconnect with the world rather than to simply go through it but not living: all hope is not lost, people can change, I can change, good things do happen, and life should be lived to its full extent.

There are two more things I would like to talk about: a regret, and a realization, respectively. The former I want to talk about not only because it is cause for improvement within myself, but also because for some reason I feel the need to explain myself. Explaining myself better, the one regret that I have throughout the duration of this course is how I robbed myself from the opportunity to leave a mark on anyone, I robbed myself of the opportunity to have and express my opinions, but most importantly I robbed myself from the opportunity to connect with others. What I mean by all this is that one of the reasons why I loved this course is because within the classroom, during our discussions and dialogues, when I heard my classmates expressing their honest opinions I felt some sort of bond form and even though I don’t know most of them and never will, a sense of understanding was created and will forever exist because I feel like once you know how a person thinks, then you practically know everything about them. And I truly regret not being able to express any of my own opinions, and therefore ruling out the possibility of someone else feeling this kind of connection with me and something I said or thought. I honestly feel like I was invisible within the classroom, which I know is my own fault because I could never bring myself to raise my hand and share my thoughts. I also know that this assignment is not about beating yourself up, but without a doubt I would have done things differently if I had had a second chance. Moreover, I would have liked to create some sort of an impression on you, Rennie, so that at least you could have a face for the name while you read this paper, or maybe remembered something I had said in class and connected the person to the writing. But this won’t happen because by making myself invisible, you and probably the rest of the class have no idea who I am.

The last thing I would like to share is my realization. As I was reading over my entries before writing this paper, I came across this passage that I wrote: “what am I doing here? Do I deserve to be here? Am I wasting my time, and my family's money? Would I be better off back home? Am I a failure? And then the million dollar question, what do I do? What do I do to make it better? What do I do to succeed? How do I not fail? Am I not working enough? Am I taking all this for granted? The questions are endless, and sadly the answers couldn't be scarcer”(entry #12). What I realized was that at this point in my life my questions outweigh my answers, by far. And what this means is that I actually have no idea what I am doing with my life, or where my life is heading. I do not even know where I would want my life to go simply because I have no idea of where I stand and what my future holds. What I do know is my present, what I do know is that the choices that I make today will impact my future choices, my future life, and well basically: my future. So if there is one thing I have learned from this project, from this class, from this prof., and from myself, is that dwelling on the past is worthless – what’s done is done, worrying too much about the future is useless because you never know what the future holds, but focusing on the present is the only way you will achieve your goals, the only way you will be able to say that you lived to a full extent.

Day31-Nov 22

Day 4 of eating mostly vegetables.

Meat and chicken have actually been the easiest thing to leave, as i was never much of a meat eating person, but eggs and cheese and yogurt, and milk chocolate, well that has definitely been harder. But every day that i keep going, every extra day that i don't eat any kind of animal derived food, i feel better about myself. I don't feel like i'm doing this only for myself, like cigarettes, but i feel like i'm actually doing something good for the world, something that can make me proud of myself, something that can actually make a difference.

So yeah, this will probably be my last entry since i have to start writing the report but i just wanted to say how much this class has changed my life, the way i view things, my opinions, my knowledge, and my values. It is a class where you see a lot of hard things, where you are forced to think rather than take the usual path of least resistance, where you reflect and think about situations and concepts you probably would never have given a second thought. It is an unforgettable class, and i will be forever grateful that i was made aware of the importance of creating a sustainable business, of the cruelty directed towards animals, of cooperatives, of 'cradle-to-cradle', of debates, of recycling, reusing, and everything else i touched on/discussed in class.

Day30-Nov 21

My mom got here today, and i must say i really missed her. I've actually been pretty homesick this term, and i dont know why. It feels good having her here. We went to the movies tonight, and then dinner with some friends. I told her about my attempt at veganism and she seemed curious about it, and sort of supportive, which i didn't expect. She, and my whole family, are the sort of people who would laugh if i came home saying i was an animal right activist, and i don't eat/wear/use anything that came from animals. They would laugh not because they are insensitive about what happens to animals, which they are but only because they don't have the slightest clue of what's happening to them every day on a global basis, but they laugh because they are so conservative, so Type-A, that they think that's hippie stuff, and they don't understand why anyone would willingly give up eating meat and drinking milk.

They are the kind of people that would say: there are much more important things in the world to worry about, like having a career that pays, study finance, get a job, etc. They're all about being practical as opposed to being happy. But i understand, you know? it's how they were raised, and it's what they know. I don't judge them, i just don't want to be like them. I want to have new experiences in life, i want to make mistakes and learn from them as opposed to being perfect and never doing anything wrong, i want to express my beliefs however i want to and still be accepted. And so i would very much like to show them some parts of the movie we watched in class on wednesday or something similar to it, not to change them and not to impose on them, but to have them understand, and respect me for my choices and for my beliefs.

Day29-Nov 20

Ok so this is officially day 2 of leading a vegan lifestyle and i have found it pretty hard so far. Well, not really hard but different, it is definitely a hard transition to make. One thing that i keep thinking about is the fact that i will never eat cereal again. At least not with milk, and it's not that i am a huge milk lover, actually im quite the opposite, i completely hate milk. I always have. But the past few years i have learned to make an effort because of the osteoporosis thing, my mom worries alot and so i try to please her. So yea, i do like to have my cereal with a little bit of milk and lots of sugar, and i love yogurt, and cheeses, and eggs. But i'm making a sacrifice for something that i truly believe in, and a difference that i want to make in this world. I will stick to vegetables, broccoli, lettuce, tomatoes, and i will figure out what to eat. I actually threw out two pieces of meat that were on my fridge right after i got home from watching the video. I couldn't even look at it. So i do feel good about what i am doing, although i have the feeling that i have been trying to do too many things at once, for example maybe i shouldn't have tried out being vegan at the same time that i'm making an effort to quit smoking. It seems like too many changes at once, and it just makes it more likely that i will fail at one of them And i can't. I won't. So what i'll do is i'll keep not smoking and doing everything i can to quit for good, and i'll try out the vegan diet for 1 week, and if i'm still struggling with the not smoking then i'll try to regulate my diet as much as i can while eating the least amount of animal products as i can. And when i quit smoking for good, then i can adopt the vegan diet for good. One thing at a time is probably better than too much, too fast.

Day28-Nov 19

I'm still thinking about that video, and i made a decision because of it. My last experiment will be to try to eat vegan for at least a week. I don't think i've ever felt so passio about anything in my life. At first, during the discussion in class yesterday about the video, i was uncertain about the difference between veganism and vegetarianism, but i have already researched all about it, and i really do want to try and see if i can do this. The only thing that worries me is not knowing where i'll get my calcium from. The problem is, my mom has struggled with severe osteoporosis for a few years now, and osteoporosis can be inherited which means that there is a possibility that i will suffer from it, and one of the things that can prevent it or at least delay it is increasing my calcium intake. Which, if i decide to go vegan, will actually not be possible since i will not be ingesting any product that contains milk, which is a primary source of calcium. So, as you can see, it's a good reason to be worried, but one week is not going to hurt me, so i will at least try it out for a week and see how it goes, and if i'd actually be able to do it. My question is, how do i do it? What do i eat? I read that vegans who have a planned diet and take dietary supplements can actually be very healthy, but those who don't can suffer from nutrient defficiency.

I actually found a website about a nonprofit organizations called "Vegan Action" that "is dedicated to helping the animals, environment, and human health, by educating the public about the benefits of a vegan lifestyle.." The website is full of useful information for those looking to try this lifesyle, and also recipes to try out that will make it an easier transition. So, i start today, and i'll let you know how it goes.

Day27-Nov 18

Video in class
Farm sanctuary.
Sorry, i just, i don't even know where/how to start talking about how i felt when i was watching that video. The only think that i do know is that i have never felt such strong emotions towards animals before in my life. Compassion, sadness, anger, more sadness, how can such forms of cruelty be accepted and done in the 21st century, how do people not realize what is happening, what kind of people actually do these things to animals, the slaughtering, the cutting of the beaks of chicks, the disposal of male chicks because they can't lay eggs. The treatment of the cows, how they're kept pregnant all the time so that they can give milk, how cows actually mourn and grieve for their calves when they are taken away, sheep, goats, horses, pigs, all these animals and how they are suffering all over the world all because humans believe they are the superior race and anything below us deserves to die. Do they not realize that we are all animals? just because we can reason and they can't does not mean they don't have emotions, does not mean they don't feel pain, does not mean they don't deserve a respect, and it certainly does not mean we can abuse them as we please just because we can.

And you know what, its not the death, i mean i understand that there is a chain in life and for example, lions kill other animals to survive and so on, what really hurts me is the cruelty. The cruelty with which it is done. The fact that they mistreat these animals from the day they are born, they are genetically engineered in one way or another in order to take the most advantage out of each animal, and then, after they have served their purpose, they are simply discarded, and either sent to the slaughter house where they will suffer a sure and awful death, or they are simply thrown out and left to die. Who deserves this in life? Why do we think we have the right to do this? Why are we so convinced that we are so superior? What if it was the other way around? What if creatures from other planets, creatures more developed than us, who consider themselves superior than us, simply decide to treat us as what we really are, animals? What will we do then? Will we regret what we did to these poor farm animals? Will be wish we'd never done it? Will we beg to live? Or will we accept that we were wrong and die quietly?