Day4-Oct 26

The video we watched today in social context class really made me think about the way i think about things. What i mean is, i'm actually worrying about my skepticism regarding humanity, and my pessimism when it comes to believing things can actually change. Me and my friend Patricia are always arguing on opposite ends. She isn't really a perfect optimist like my friend Ricardo, but she does believe that the world can be a better place, she does think people can change, and yes, she's way more optimistic than i am. Meanwhileile i'm on the other side of the discussion bringing on the negativism. I read in a magazine that people should try to stay away from other people who are constantly pessimistic and negative because those kinds of people don't really add anything to a person's life. Ever since i read that i cant stop thinking about the fact that maybe the way i think about things actually may be harmful to the people around me, the people that i love, my friends, my family. How do you deal with the fact that you are harming the people you love the most just because you are so afraid of getting hurt that you just naturally assume nothing is ever going to work out, that people will never change, and that thinking that they might is just an easy way of building up hope and then getting shot down? "Hope for the best, expect the worst" These are words i live by, and why? Because i'm not willing to put myself up for suffering, i'm not willing to open myself up to people, i don't trust and i don't let myself build hope because experience has taught me that the fall is always harder than the rise.

Anyways i kind of got off track, what i planned on writing about was the video we saw in class today. It was basically about how the ideas of two people (an architect and an ecologist i think) have been revolutionizing the way business is being done all around the world. Solutions are being discovered to problems that no one thought could be fixed, and not just any solutions but simple, cost-effective, and environmentally friendly solutions. While i was watching it, it finally hit me that there are people out there trying to make a difference, trying to reduce the enormous amounts of waste that large companies generate, trying to make not only recyclable and reusable products that actually degrade into something that becomes food for the very same earth and soil that provided us with the raw materials to make those products in the first place.

Another thing i got really excited about today: i think i mentioned in one of my earlier posts or maybe in a reading reflection that i consume a lot of paper and that sometimes i don't even print on both sides. Well, today i bought 100% recyclable paper and i love it. I know its an incredible small step, but still it's a step for me. I'm actually considering these things when i go out and buy products, i'm looking for ecologo signs, and i'm looking for recyclable and reusable products. This is a step for me, and i'm proud of it.

Day3-Oct 23

Today I was printing out the readings for this class and i noticed how much paper i actually waste. I print at least 30 pages every week and some of the things i print are not even double sided because i just don't have the time to sit there and turn the page and print again. So i realized i wanted to do better for the environment, and i realized that i could in some small way, so i decided to write my journal entries for the conscious living project on a blog. This way i'm being more environmentally friendly, which is what we have actually been learning in class all semester long. This is why the dates don't match up on the previous two entries because I just copied them from the previous word document that i had created for the journal.

What else did i realize today? well, actually, today i was running a little late for a group meeting. But why was i late? Well, i woke up later than i should have, but that's not the reason. What i noticed today was that i spent a whole 10 minutes putting on makeup. And then i tried to remember the last time i left the house without wearing some kind of makeup, and i honestly can't remember. I know this doesn't seem interesting, or much of a reflection, but what i keep thinking about is why? Why do i feel the need to put makeup on whenever I leave the house? When did i get to obsessive? Why did i get so obsessive? But most importantly, when did i get so shallow and insecure? And what can i do to change the things i don't like about myself? And why does it seem like all my entries have to do with something i want to change?

Day2-oct 24

Last night i put my alarm clock to 9:00 am. Early, i know but i really need to start studying for my finance midterm next week, which im really nervous about. So, my alarm went off at 9am and when i finally got out of bed at 10:30 i realized i had hit 'snooze' every 5 minutes for an hour and a half. that's 18 times that i woke up every 5 minutes and hit 'snooze' just so that i could sleep 5 more minutes. And this wasn't only today, lately it has gotten so hard for me to get out of bed, i can't even remember the last time i got up without hitting snooze. So it got me thinking, have i actually been so sleep deprived that now I'm tired all the time? No, not really. I'm usually in bed way before 12, which means that most days I get a full 8 hrs of sleep. Why is it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning? My mother always thinks im depressed because i've never really worked so hard at school as i have this semester, which has left absolutly no time for anything else (friends, social interactions, nothing..). But i'm not, at least i don't think i am. Mostly i'm just focused on what i have to do this term and how i want it to end. This doesn't make me depressed, it just makes me determined.

Something else I realized today is that I am an extremely competitive person. I'd never thought of myself that way and it makes me wonder if its actually bronfman's, mcgill's fault. I know it sounds ridiculous but what I mean is that where I grew up my classmates actually helped each other, no one simply tried to get ahead, probably because they didn't care enough, but when I got here I realized that the general mentality is "every man for himself". And today I realized I'm becoming one of them. I want to be #1, I want to be the best, I want to be acknowledged for my hard work and I don't really mind putting in the hard work as long as I get rewarded. I never realized i could have so much determination, just to be recognized. And I can't decide if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I mean, its a bad thing because it means i'm cutting myself off from others, and i'll continue doing so as long as i keep thinking about beating them instead of helping them. And I guess it could also be a good thing because it means that I can be competitive, and I can do better for myself, better than others. Yeah, I guess this is where this is all coming from, my constant need to prove to my mother that I can be as smart as my sister, and if not as smart, then at least as successful as her. So, again, the story of my sister and i and how i feel like we're constantly compared and i'm always falling short, can be discussed at another time.

Day1-oct 23

So, my credit card was stolen last night, which means that I had to spend all day calling banks to cancel my credit cards, calling the police to file a report, and calling service Canada to report/reissue a new social insurance card. I’m exhausted, I need sleep, I need to learn how to manage my time better because right now I should start studying finance and I’m sitting in my couch doing nothing.

So, I need to reflect about the things that I do everyday and why I do them? ok so, I didn’t have my regular cup of coffee this morning and this is probably why my eyes are closing as I read this. I must say I love coffee. Well I love my coffee, Dominican coffee, strong coffee. Today I’m feeling tired, last night I was so scared because whoever has my wallet right now, knows where I live. And when I was lying in bed trying to sleep I kept hearing noises and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Nothing like this had ever happened to me, and this is quite remarkable considering the fact that I live in one of the unsafest cities in the world. And let me tell you, its not a pleasant experience. And you want to know what made it worse? My mother yelling at me through the phone while I was crying so hard I couldn’t even breathe. I really wish I could find a way to make our relationship better, or just to have her understand me just a tiny bit. That’s all I need, some understanding from her. But the story about me and my mom is pretty long, while the story of me and my dad is non-exsistent considering he left when i was small enough not to remember, but i'll tell you about that later.

What else? I have had 9 cigarettes between last night and 2:00 today. I really need to quit, which I’m not sure I’ll be able to do because I have tried, and it has been harder than I ever suspected it would be. I don’t know what it is about it, I don’t even know how I got addicted to it and it pisses me off that I am because just a few years ago I was completely disgusted by cigarettes, I hated everything that had to do with them, and now I cant go a day without them. How did I become this person that I barely recognize? How have I gotten so lost in the process of getting older? How have I gotten so desperate and sad, and pathetic? Is this the person I’m meant to be? Have the things that happened to me made this person that I am today? This person that i'm not sure i want to be? But most importantly, how do I change?

PS: as i googled 'frustration' i found this picture which has many relevant questions, things i have thought about at one point or another, and answers i wish i had..so i have decided that i will try and find a picture that relates to what i will talk about during each entry.