Day2-oct 24

Last night i put my alarm clock to 9:00 am. Early, i know but i really need to start studying for my finance midterm next week, which im really nervous about. So, my alarm went off at 9am and when i finally got out of bed at 10:30 i realized i had hit 'snooze' every 5 minutes for an hour and a half. that's 18 times that i woke up every 5 minutes and hit 'snooze' just so that i could sleep 5 more minutes. And this wasn't only today, lately it has gotten so hard for me to get out of bed, i can't even remember the last time i got up without hitting snooze. So it got me thinking, have i actually been so sleep deprived that now I'm tired all the time? No, not really. I'm usually in bed way before 12, which means that most days I get a full 8 hrs of sleep. Why is it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning? My mother always thinks im depressed because i've never really worked so hard at school as i have this semester, which has left absolutly no time for anything else (friends, social interactions, nothing..). But i'm not, at least i don't think i am. Mostly i'm just focused on what i have to do this term and how i want it to end. This doesn't make me depressed, it just makes me determined.

Something else I realized today is that I am an extremely competitive person. I'd never thought of myself that way and it makes me wonder if its actually bronfman's, mcgill's fault. I know it sounds ridiculous but what I mean is that where I grew up my classmates actually helped each other, no one simply tried to get ahead, probably because they didn't care enough, but when I got here I realized that the general mentality is "every man for himself". And today I realized I'm becoming one of them. I want to be #1, I want to be the best, I want to be acknowledged for my hard work and I don't really mind putting in the hard work as long as I get rewarded. I never realized i could have so much determination, just to be recognized. And I can't decide if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I mean, its a bad thing because it means i'm cutting myself off from others, and i'll continue doing so as long as i keep thinking about beating them instead of helping them. And I guess it could also be a good thing because it means that I can be competitive, and I can do better for myself, better than others. Yeah, I guess this is where this is all coming from, my constant need to prove to my mother that I can be as smart as my sister, and if not as smart, then at least as successful as her. So, again, the story of my sister and i and how i feel like we're constantly compared and i'm always falling short, can be discussed at another time.