Day1-oct 23

So, my credit card was stolen last night, which means that I had to spend all day calling banks to cancel my credit cards, calling the police to file a report, and calling service Canada to report/reissue a new social insurance card. I’m exhausted, I need sleep, I need to learn how to manage my time better because right now I should start studying finance and I’m sitting in my couch doing nothing.

So, I need to reflect about the things that I do everyday and why I do them? ok so, I didn’t have my regular cup of coffee this morning and this is probably why my eyes are closing as I read this. I must say I love coffee. Well I love my coffee, Dominican coffee, strong coffee. Today I’m feeling tired, last night I was so scared because whoever has my wallet right now, knows where I live. And when I was lying in bed trying to sleep I kept hearing noises and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Nothing like this had ever happened to me, and this is quite remarkable considering the fact that I live in one of the unsafest cities in the world. And let me tell you, its not a pleasant experience. And you want to know what made it worse? My mother yelling at me through the phone while I was crying so hard I couldn’t even breathe. I really wish I could find a way to make our relationship better, or just to have her understand me just a tiny bit. That’s all I need, some understanding from her. But the story about me and my mom is pretty long, while the story of me and my dad is non-exsistent considering he left when i was small enough not to remember, but i'll tell you about that later.

What else? I have had 9 cigarettes between last night and 2:00 today. I really need to quit, which I’m not sure I’ll be able to do because I have tried, and it has been harder than I ever suspected it would be. I don’t know what it is about it, I don’t even know how I got addicted to it and it pisses me off that I am because just a few years ago I was completely disgusted by cigarettes, I hated everything that had to do with them, and now I cant go a day without them. How did I become this person that I barely recognize? How have I gotten so lost in the process of getting older? How have I gotten so desperate and sad, and pathetic? Is this the person I’m meant to be? Have the things that happened to me made this person that I am today? This person that i'm not sure i want to be? But most importantly, how do I change?

PS: as i googled 'frustration' i found this picture which has many relevant questions, things i have thought about at one point or another, and answers i wish i had..so i have decided that i will try and find a picture that relates to what i will talk about during each entry.