I actually had a better birthday than i thought i would. I can't believe how homesick i am, and i dont even understand it because i have been living here for 2 and a half years, and now im feeling homesick?
ok well, what else?..Today i realized that every two days give or take someone tells me i should stop smoking, or someone asks when i'm gong to stop smoking, and i always say: soon, i'll stop smoking soon. Im not sure when exactly i started saying that, but i feel like ive been saying it for the better part of the last two years. And i have i quit smoking? no. Have i made much of an effort to quit smoking? no, i haven't. Why haven't I? I mean i do want to quit. I do think about it. Problem is, the few times that i have tried have been too hard to actually quit. I usually don't last more than 2 days. So, i guess my problem is that im not sure if i actually can quit. I know i can be, and usually am, very hard on myself and doubtful, but i feel like this is outside my control. It's not a question of whether i want to, but rather a question of whether i can.
Another thing is how selfish i now realize i have been. Ive always thought of my smoking as my problem not anyone else's. But the truth is, everyone around me is affected by my smoking. Not only my friends who i subject to second hand smoke, or some innocent bystanders when i'm smoking in the street, but also the environment. I mean, i don't have any stats or data that would tell me how much my personal smoking actually harms the environment, but im pretty sure its huge. And here i am thinking only about myself again, how much does everyone's smoking affect the environment? So, i have decided that one of the things im going to try to accomplish for my conscious living project is to quit smoking. I'm not sure yet if im going to try doing it cold turkey or whether i'll buy the gum or the patch, but im definitely going to try very hard to leave that addiction behind and not let it rule my life. I'm actually pretty excited about this.
oh well, thats all for tonight.
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