Today is one of my best friend's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. We call it 'our birthday'. I miss him. I don't remember the last time we actually got to celebrate our birthdays together. I know the answer should be 3 years ago before i came to mcgill, but when i was back home i was always grounded for my birthday so i cant even remember if we got to celebrate our birthdays together during our senior year. Actually, i cant remember a birthday in which i actually had a good time. I know a lot of people say this, but i literally hate my birthday. It's usually just like any other day, and i do enjoy people calling my most of the time but honestly i just don't feel like acting cheerful and pretending im all happy about my birthday when im not. And i miss my family. I wish they could be here with me tomorrow. And i miss my friends so much. I try to keep in touch, but every time i go back home its like they have their own life, their own jokes, their own world which im not a part of anymore. Its not like i dont have friends here, i do. Not many though, i can actually count them with one hand, but some. And i am grateful for the opportunity to be here, but i just feel so alone sometimes.
Getting back to the point, today i realized that im not very sociable. I've barely met anyone here and i've been living here for 2 and a half years. Ok, its not that i dont know anyone, i know people. But i haven't actually made friends, only people i say 'hi' to and keep walking. The thing is, im convinced i dont make a very good first impression. I have friends that have actually told me they hated me the first time they met me. Once they get to know me though, apparently im better. And i am, im a good friend actually. And im lucky to have an amazing group of friends. Which is why i miss them all the time, which is why although i love going back home for holidays deep down i dread it a little just because i know im going to feel like an outsider. Ok the point is, i really need to be more loose, and confident, and social. I mean, i came here thinking that when i left it would be after meeting some of the most amazing people in the world and with great friendships that would last forever, but no, that hasn't happened and i know its because i dont make even the slightest effort to make it happen. I dont try to meet new people, and i dont try to make friends our of the people that i already know. I just kind of expect everything to happen by itself, and that's not just regarding friends, but about everything. I seem to think that things will solve themselves on their own or that someone is going to solve it for me. So how will i ever improve/change anything if im not bothered to put the slightest bit of effort into the things i want to change?
ok well, im done for the night
think im gonna go to sleep
happy birthday to me
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