Day8-Oct 30

Its the day before halloween. I haven't gone out in a month. Actually more than a month, maybe a month and half, and i must say i miss it. The thing is, at first i didn't have the time to go out because i was cooped up in the library all the time studying, but now i'm finally done with midterms, at least for now. But now that i want to go out i realize that i have no one to go out with. I feel like i have no friends anymore. At least not here, im tired of the bubble all the dominicans live in, and the one reason why i left Dominican Republic and came to school here was to get away from how way things were back home. But i spent my first 2 years here living the same life i lived when i was home, going to the same places, talking about the same things, not trying anything new, not taking advantage of the opportunity that i'm lucky to have by being here, and just doing that same things every day, every weekend, every week, every month and every year.

Except this year, this year i have disconnected myself completely from them, from the life i used to lead here, i haven't been out in weeks, in a month and a half actually. And i was happy about it, but now that i have done this, now that i want to forget everything, now that i finally want to go out with my friends i realize that i dont have any friends anymore. I have no one to go out with and no one to call. I isolated everyone and the only friend that i still have, left me one the weekend of my birthday and went to new york for the weekend. I haven't even been able to celebrate my birthday, which was 2 days ago. So, its friday night and i'm sitting in my couch writing about how pathetic my life is, and at 10:00 i'm ready to go to bed. So, im off to bed. 'night.

Day7-Oct 29

Not my birthday anymore. Today, when i was trying to study for finance, and i kept watching episodes of 'how i met your mother' every 20 minutes i realized how much time i waste every single day watching tv shows. Seriously, i watch like 15 tv shows every week, that's 25 hours of my week that i could have spent doing something useful with my life, and instead i spent watching tv shows that mean nothing to me and that i follow just because it makes me forget what disappointment my life really is. How much more productive would i be if i didn't watch all these useless tv shows? But then again, if i did stop following them then what would i do with my spare time?

I have learned over time, and a wise friend told me about 20 minutes ago, that "an unoccupied mind always brings up trouble". And its true. Like for example, this is exactly the reason why i love reading. I read because for me its a way to loose myself into someone else's world. A way for me to forget about my problems and immerse myself into this other fantasy world where i never know what's going to happen, where i'm constantly kept guessing, and where nothing is impossible. I mean, who wouldn't want that? But every since i got to McGill i don't have time to read anymore. I haven't bought a single book since i came to montreal 2 1/2 years ago. The books that i have on my shelf are books that i bring with me from home to read on the plane every time i come back, and every once in a while i remember how much i love reading. How much i love concentrating so much on a book that i forget what is happening in my life at the time and how i just can't close that book at night and go to sleep because all i want to do is find out what happens next. But then again, i say i don't have time to read books anymore, but i spend 15 hours of my week watching tv shows. Apparently, i'd rather spend my time watching how fictional people live their fictional lives instead of thinking about how i live my, real, life. How lame is that? Sorry, how pathetic is that? Seriously, i need to get a life.

Day6-Oct 28

I actually had a better birthday than i thought i would. I can't believe how homesick i am, and i dont even understand it because i have been living here for 2 and a half years, and now im feeling homesick?

ok well, what else?..Today i realized that every two days give or take someone tells me i should stop smoking, or someone asks when i'm gong to stop smoking, and i always say: soon, i'll stop smoking soon. Im not sure when exactly i started saying that, but i feel like ive been saying it for the better part of the last two years. And i have i quit smoking? no. Have i made much of an effort to quit smoking? no, i haven't. Why haven't I? I mean i do want to quit. I do think about it. Problem is, the few times that i have tried have been too hard to actually quit. I usually don't last more than 2 days. So, i guess my problem is that im not sure if i actually can quit. I know i can be, and usually am, very hard on myself and doubtful, but i feel like this is outside my control. It's not a question of whether i want to, but rather a question of whether i can.

Another thing is how selfish i now realize i have been. Ive always thought of my smoking as my problem not anyone else's. But the truth is, everyone around me is affected by my smoking. Not only my friends who i subject to second hand smoke, or some innocent bystanders when i'm smoking in the street, but also the environment. I mean, i don't have any stats or data that would tell me how much my personal smoking actually harms the environment, but im pretty sure its huge. And here i am thinking only about myself again, how much does everyone's smoking affect the environment? So, i have decided that one of the things im going to try to accomplish for my conscious living project is to quit smoking. I'm not sure yet if im going to try doing it cold turkey or whether i'll buy the gum or the patch, but im definitely going to try very hard to leave that addiction behind and not let it rule my life. I'm actually pretty excited about this.

oh well, thats all for tonight.

Day5-Oct 27

Today is one of my best friend's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. We call it 'our birthday'. I miss him. I don't remember the last time we actually got to celebrate our birthdays together. I know the answer should be 3 years ago before i came to mcgill, but when i was back home i was always grounded for my birthday so i cant even remember if we got to celebrate our birthdays together during our senior year. Actually, i cant remember a birthday in which i actually had a good time. I know a lot of people say this, but i literally hate my birthday. It's usually just like any other day, and i do enjoy people calling my most of the time but honestly i just don't feel like acting cheerful and pretending im all happy about my birthday when im not. And i miss my family. I wish they could be here with me tomorrow. And i miss my friends so much. I try to keep in touch, but every time i go back home its like they have their own life, their own jokes, their own world which im not a part of anymore. Its not like i dont have friends here, i do. Not many though, i can actually count them with one hand, but some. And i am grateful for the opportunity to be here, but i just feel so alone sometimes.

Getting back to the point, today i realized that im not very sociable. I've barely met anyone here and i've been living here for 2 and a half years. Ok, its not that i dont know anyone, i know people. But i haven't actually made friends, only people i say 'hi' to and keep walking. The thing is, im convinced i dont make a very good first impression. I have friends that have actually told me they hated me the first time they met me. Once they get to know me though, apparently im better. And i am, im a good friend actually. And im lucky to have an amazing group of friends. Which is why i miss them all the time, which is why although i love going back home for holidays deep down i dread it a little just because i know im going to feel like an outsider. Ok the point is, i really need to be more loose, and confident, and social. I mean, i came here thinking that when i left it would be after meeting some of the most amazing people in the world and with great friendships that would last forever, but no, that hasn't happened and i know its because i dont make even the slightest effort to make it happen. I dont try to meet new people, and i dont try to make friends our of the people that i already know. I just kind of expect everything to happen by itself, and that's not just regarding friends, but about everything. I seem to think that things will solve themselves on their own or that someone is going to solve it for me. So how will i ever improve/change anything if im not bothered to put the slightest bit of effort into the things i want to change?

ok well, im done for the night
think im gonna go to sleep
happy birthday to me

Day4-Oct 26

The video we watched today in social context class really made me think about the way i think about things. What i mean is, i'm actually worrying about my skepticism regarding humanity, and my pessimism when it comes to believing things can actually change. Me and my friend Patricia are always arguing on opposite ends. She isn't really a perfect optimist like my friend Ricardo, but she does believe that the world can be a better place, she does think people can change, and yes, she's way more optimistic than i am. Meanwhileile i'm on the other side of the discussion bringing on the negativism. I read in a magazine that people should try to stay away from other people who are constantly pessimistic and negative because those kinds of people don't really add anything to a person's life. Ever since i read that i cant stop thinking about the fact that maybe the way i think about things actually may be harmful to the people around me, the people that i love, my friends, my family. How do you deal with the fact that you are harming the people you love the most just because you are so afraid of getting hurt that you just naturally assume nothing is ever going to work out, that people will never change, and that thinking that they might is just an easy way of building up hope and then getting shot down? "Hope for the best, expect the worst" These are words i live by, and why? Because i'm not willing to put myself up for suffering, i'm not willing to open myself up to people, i don't trust and i don't let myself build hope because experience has taught me that the fall is always harder than the rise.

Anyways i kind of got off track, what i planned on writing about was the video we saw in class today. It was basically about how the ideas of two people (an architect and an ecologist i think) have been revolutionizing the way business is being done all around the world. Solutions are being discovered to problems that no one thought could be fixed, and not just any solutions but simple, cost-effective, and environmentally friendly solutions. While i was watching it, it finally hit me that there are people out there trying to make a difference, trying to reduce the enormous amounts of waste that large companies generate, trying to make not only recyclable and reusable products that actually degrade into something that becomes food for the very same earth and soil that provided us with the raw materials to make those products in the first place.

Another thing i got really excited about today: i think i mentioned in one of my earlier posts or maybe in a reading reflection that i consume a lot of paper and that sometimes i don't even print on both sides. Well, today i bought 100% recyclable paper and i love it. I know its an incredible small step, but still it's a step for me. I'm actually considering these things when i go out and buy products, i'm looking for ecologo signs, and i'm looking for recyclable and reusable products. This is a step for me, and i'm proud of it.

Day3-Oct 23

Today I was printing out the readings for this class and i noticed how much paper i actually waste. I print at least 30 pages every week and some of the things i print are not even double sided because i just don't have the time to sit there and turn the page and print again. So i realized i wanted to do better for the environment, and i realized that i could in some small way, so i decided to write my journal entries for the conscious living project on a blog. This way i'm being more environmentally friendly, which is what we have actually been learning in class all semester long. This is why the dates don't match up on the previous two entries because I just copied them from the previous word document that i had created for the journal.

What else did i realize today? well, actually, today i was running a little late for a group meeting. But why was i late? Well, i woke up later than i should have, but that's not the reason. What i noticed today was that i spent a whole 10 minutes putting on makeup. And then i tried to remember the last time i left the house without wearing some kind of makeup, and i honestly can't remember. I know this doesn't seem interesting, or much of a reflection, but what i keep thinking about is why? Why do i feel the need to put makeup on whenever I leave the house? When did i get to obsessive? Why did i get so obsessive? But most importantly, when did i get so shallow and insecure? And what can i do to change the things i don't like about myself? And why does it seem like all my entries have to do with something i want to change?

Day2-oct 24

Last night i put my alarm clock to 9:00 am. Early, i know but i really need to start studying for my finance midterm next week, which im really nervous about. So, my alarm went off at 9am and when i finally got out of bed at 10:30 i realized i had hit 'snooze' every 5 minutes for an hour and a half. that's 18 times that i woke up every 5 minutes and hit 'snooze' just so that i could sleep 5 more minutes. And this wasn't only today, lately it has gotten so hard for me to get out of bed, i can't even remember the last time i got up without hitting snooze. So it got me thinking, have i actually been so sleep deprived that now I'm tired all the time? No, not really. I'm usually in bed way before 12, which means that most days I get a full 8 hrs of sleep. Why is it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning? My mother always thinks im depressed because i've never really worked so hard at school as i have this semester, which has left absolutly no time for anything else (friends, social interactions, nothing..). But i'm not, at least i don't think i am. Mostly i'm just focused on what i have to do this term and how i want it to end. This doesn't make me depressed, it just makes me determined.

Something else I realized today is that I am an extremely competitive person. I'd never thought of myself that way and it makes me wonder if its actually bronfman's, mcgill's fault. I know it sounds ridiculous but what I mean is that where I grew up my classmates actually helped each other, no one simply tried to get ahead, probably because they didn't care enough, but when I got here I realized that the general mentality is "every man for himself". And today I realized I'm becoming one of them. I want to be #1, I want to be the best, I want to be acknowledged for my hard work and I don't really mind putting in the hard work as long as I get rewarded. I never realized i could have so much determination, just to be recognized. And I can't decide if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I mean, its a bad thing because it means i'm cutting myself off from others, and i'll continue doing so as long as i keep thinking about beating them instead of helping them. And I guess it could also be a good thing because it means that I can be competitive, and I can do better for myself, better than others. Yeah, I guess this is where this is all coming from, my constant need to prove to my mother that I can be as smart as my sister, and if not as smart, then at least as successful as her. So, again, the story of my sister and i and how i feel like we're constantly compared and i'm always falling short, can be discussed at another time.

Day1-oct 23

So, my credit card was stolen last night, which means that I had to spend all day calling banks to cancel my credit cards, calling the police to file a report, and calling service Canada to report/reissue a new social insurance card. I’m exhausted, I need sleep, I need to learn how to manage my time better because right now I should start studying finance and I’m sitting in my couch doing nothing.

So, I need to reflect about the things that I do everyday and why I do them? ok so, I didn’t have my regular cup of coffee this morning and this is probably why my eyes are closing as I read this. I must say I love coffee. Well I love my coffee, Dominican coffee, strong coffee. Today I’m feeling tired, last night I was so scared because whoever has my wallet right now, knows where I live. And when I was lying in bed trying to sleep I kept hearing noises and I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Nothing like this had ever happened to me, and this is quite remarkable considering the fact that I live in one of the unsafest cities in the world. And let me tell you, its not a pleasant experience. And you want to know what made it worse? My mother yelling at me through the phone while I was crying so hard I couldn’t even breathe. I really wish I could find a way to make our relationship better, or just to have her understand me just a tiny bit. That’s all I need, some understanding from her. But the story about me and my mom is pretty long, while the story of me and my dad is non-exsistent considering he left when i was small enough not to remember, but i'll tell you about that later.

What else? I have had 9 cigarettes between last night and 2:00 today. I really need to quit, which I’m not sure I’ll be able to do because I have tried, and it has been harder than I ever suspected it would be. I don’t know what it is about it, I don’t even know how I got addicted to it and it pisses me off that I am because just a few years ago I was completely disgusted by cigarettes, I hated everything that had to do with them, and now I cant go a day without them. How did I become this person that I barely recognize? How have I gotten so lost in the process of getting older? How have I gotten so desperate and sad, and pathetic? Is this the person I’m meant to be? Have the things that happened to me made this person that I am today? This person that i'm not sure i want to be? But most importantly, how do I change?

PS: as i googled 'frustration' i found this picture which has many relevant questions, things i have thought about at one point or another, and answers i wish i had..so i have decided that i will try and find a picture that relates to what i will talk about during each entry.