Day12-Nov 3

My last post i was talking about how much i hate group meetings and the fact that i'm so overworked that i'm tired all the time and can't even seem to think straight. Well, today was my big presentation that i had been preparing for for about 3 weeks. And you know that feeling that you get when you finally finish something that you have been working so hard for, and you know you did a good job and that all the work that you put into it finally paid off? Yeah, well that's how i felt at about 5:30 today when we finished our presentation. I felt proud, and happy, and light, and giddy, and well, proud of myself. And afterwards, when i sat down for a 2 hours and 1/2 group meeting, even though my head felt like it was exploding i wasn't really paying attention because all i could think about was sleep, through the exhaustion i actually didn't mind it all that much. Why? Because i work as hard as i work for the high that i get afterwards, when i know i did a good job and when i know that my hard work was not for nothing. But what happens when i work my ass off and i don't see any rewards? What happens then? Well, i hate it when that happens. And to tell you the truth, what happens most often to me is not the situation where my hard work pays off, but just the opposite. And i keep thinking, how do i not get discouraged when 4 out of 5 times that i go into a midterm, no matter how many hours i put into it, and how much i studied, i never get the results that i want? And believe me, it's not that my expectations are over the roof ridiculous, they're not. I'd usually be content with being a but above average, but when im not then all the same questions start popping into my head: what am i doing here? do i deserve to be here? am i wasting my time, and my family's money? would i be better off back home? am i a failure? and then the million dollar question, what do i do? what do i do to make it better? what do i do to succeed? how do i not fail? am i not working enough? am i taking all this for granted? the questions are endless, and sadly the answers couldn't be scarcer.