Day25-Nov 16

almost 8 days.. the big calendar that i have hanging from the bathroom has 7 big red X's marking off the days that i have been smoke free. today, i will have to tear down that calendar and start all over again, because yes, i failed. I smoked one cigarette today. I know i shouldn't have done it, and now i know how much i regret it, but i can't take it back, it seems like my addiction won over my willpower, which doesn't really surprise me, but it does upset me. i can't believe i was so weak. i can't believe i failed, but at least i'm not giving up, this is an incentive to work even harder this time, and of one thing i am sure, i will make it, maybe not the first time, maybe not the second, but no matter how many times it takes, i will quit smoking.

Funny thing how i smoked again on the same day that i started my other two experiments: Yes, today i started my "no wearing make-up before leaving the house", which wasn't really easy. I felt incredibly self-conscious and like everyone was staring at me as i was walking through bronfman without even blush on. I kind of cheated since at the beginning i counted moisturizer as makeup but i figured i at least need to put on some moisturizer so that my skin doesn't dry up. But nothing else, no blush, no foundation, no eyeliner, nothing. And honestly? i don't really like the feeling of wearing nothing. At least i feel more confident and better about myself when i know i look good, and when i know i took the time to make myself look good. But without any makeup on, i don't really feel like i look good, i feel exposed, naked, vulnerable, and open to criticism.

Today i also started eating 'in' more than 'out'. Eating the food i buy rather than letting it go bad. And well, i realized that all i have to do is plan ahead. for example if tomorrow i only have an hour for lunch then i know i'll make myself a sandwich or something quick, but if i have a lot of time, then i plan ahead and actually take out the ingredients of what i'm planning on cooking. This experiment hasn't been so bad, i definitely know i don't need to eat out, i'm just lazy more than anything and i'd rather buy something than cook it for myself.