3 days and counting. I'm finding myself doing all these things without really intending to like biting my nails (something i've never done), i'm so jittery but i don't even notice when i'm doing it, i've also stopped exiting bronfman from the back and going out through the front because i feel like there is always someone smoking in the back and i'm so tempted to ask for a cigarette. Also, i can't stop thinking about smoking. Sometimes i almost convince myself that one cigarette is not gonna hurt, and that one cigarette is not really gonna count as a relapse because i won't smoke any more. I'm almost avoiding friends who smoke, for example yesterday i went to pick something up at a friend's house and i was in and out in less than 5 minutes and when i got home and thought about how rude i must have seemed leaving so fast was when i realized why i had left so fast. I didn't want any temptation to ask him for a cigarette or to buy a pack of my own, and i did it. So i'm actually feeling good about myself, so far so good.
Also i wanted to talk about something that i realized today in social context class, well actually i didn't realize it today, i've always known, i was just reminded today of how much this is a disability for me: i've always been an incredibly shy person. I hate speaking up in class even if i'm dying to say something, i never do. And today when the guest speaker started talking about Dominican Republic and Haiti, and why Haiti has so much deforestation while DR does not, for some weird reason i thought he was actually going to say that DR was at fault for this. I don't know why i thought this at all, probably because it seems like people are always blaming Dominican Republic for Haiti's problems. But in that split second i was so mad and ready to put my hand up and defend my country. And that's when i started thinking about why i never say anything in class. And i do this even in classes when i know participation is part of the grade, and it's not like i don't have anything to say because i do, i always have an opinion, i listen, and i fight with myself because one part of my wants to raise her hand and the other one, the stronger one, just doesn't dare. i usually have so many excuses though:
1. Since english is my second language i usually have some trouble explaining myself specially if i'm nervous
2. I'm the kind of person who needs to know exactly what i want to say before i say it (unlike like other people (you, rennie) who think while they talk), and usually class discussions are going so fast that i feel like i'm getting bombarded with so much information at the same time that by the time i know what i want to say it doesn't even make sense anymore.
3. In complete honesty? I'm just scared of sounding stupid in front of everyone, scared of not being able to add anything of value to the discussion, scared of saying something wrong, scared of being laughed at.
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