Day21-Nov 12

Four days. four smoke-free days. no smell on my apartment, no smell on my clothes, no lighter in every purse, and no more spending 10 bucks every 2 days. i feel like a whole other person, like i have energy for the first time in years, like i can do whatever i want, like i can actually have a little something called willpower, and although it has only been four days, to me, quitting smoking, four days means everything. four days means i can do it. four days means i have hope. four days means i can do four more. and then it'll be 8 days, and then maybe 12 days.

But i shouldn't get ahead of myself, tomorrow will only be 5 days. and i know it sounds insignificant, but to me it feels like its been two weeks. two weeks of fighting a constant, throbbing, urge to do something that i know is wrong. to do something that i know is harmful. to do something that i know i will regret later. and so i fight it. i fight the urge to smoke, and i fight the urge to eat, and i try to distract myself from this constant emptiness inside me, and the only thing that can get me by another minute, another hour, another day, is thinking about the consequence of what may happen if i fail. if i smoke. if i take at least one puff. how will i feel about myself? will i fell sorry? will i feel hopeless? will i feel pathetic, or will i simply feel like a failure?