exhaustion

i try, but i don't really understand how studying works. and i don't mean how learning works, i mean how the students here in mcgill go about studying. i mean, finals are starting, the libraries are cramped, it's impossible to find a seat in mclennan, and you can almost read the stress and frustration when you look at people's faces. but how does it work? do they study every waking hour taking small breaks for lunch/dinner? do they study until they can't keep their eyes open anymore? do they resort to other ways to keep themselves awake? i'm not including myself in all this because although i am one of them, sitting here in the library since 8:00am, i don't feel like i'm even close to having their level of determination, their knowledge, and their drive. and why? well, because i have given up. why? because 2 years have made me realize that no matter how many hours i put into it i will never get the results that i want, the results that i think i deserve. yes i'm a bad test-taker, yes i get nervous, and yes i believe exams are not representative of knowledge. But it is the way it's done and who am i to question it, right? no. i do question it because i am one of the many who are being submitted to this flawed (in my opinion) system. and what do i really get out of it at the end? a diploma from McGill University.

FINAL REPORT

I never would have imagined that I would live an experience such as the one I have lived this semester. I’m honestly not trying to suck up or overly exaggerate but I’m surprisingly shocked at what I have learned about myself this term, and the fact that it is actually due to McGill. What I mean by this is not that McGill is the source of all evil and a horror in disguise, but rather the fact that in a way I have always felt the bureaucracy that surrounds me, the university’s need to excel, and the weight that McGill attributes to producing excellent students rather than excellent people. This might sound naive simply because it is well known that college does not determine who we become in life but rather gives us the tools to choose our own path. However I believe, and it might be completely due to where I come from and the values I was raised with, that the schools we attend and the people we meet along the way do in fact have a big impact on who we become in life, on the decisions we make, on the path we choose to follow, but most importantly of all, who we will be at the end of the road and whether we will have lived a life we can be proud of, or one that we will regret. Where I am trying to get, and what I am trying to point out with this is that before September, the impression I had gotten from McGill was that it would make me the best student I could possibly be, and it would open a lot of doors for me. However I never considered the possibility that McGill would have an impact (big or small) regarding my personal growth, my beliefs and my values. In spite of this, today, December 2, 2009, I can honestly and happily say I have been proven wrong. It is a funny feeling being happy about being wrong, I guess most people go through life and never experience it, but I’m glad I did.

Getting back on track, I just want to say that after a surprising and a beyond doubt revealing semester, I can say with certainty and honesty that I am truly a different person after having taken this class. And it’s not a change that can be seen immediately, it’s probably not even a change that can be seen at all, but it’s a change that I can feel, it’s a change of perspective, a broadening of knowledge, a change of self, of thought, of views and of values. It may sound somewhat ridiculous, and it might not even sound realistic, but to me this sums up pretty well what I lived this semester. The reason why I’m guessing this paper reads like silly teenager sharing her love for twilight, is because I just really need to make clear, point out, and explain well why I’m so grateful for what this class has done for me. I have always been a person (and I shared some of this in my entries) that goes through life without many expectations. Personal experience has taught me that building hopes as well as trusting people are sure ways of getting hurt. Why? Firstly because if you don’t have hope then you can’t feel disappointment, but most importantly because in my experience people always leave; in my case my father, grandfather, and siblings. My skepticism and pessimism rule the way I have thought for years, to the point where I no longer know or even notice my constant negative thoughts, sarcasm, and doubts. However, this class, the reflection exercises and the journal entries, have taught me to think about how I think, to think about why I think the way I do, to think about the experiences that have shaped the way that I am and the person I have become, to think about the reasons behind my actions, and to question whether a change needs to be made.

So what can I say struck me the most about this experience? This is a tough question to answer considering the fact that to me, everything is interrelated in a sense because my discoveries regarding this assignment are all due to the thorough analysis of my actions. Well, first of all and in complete honesty, my daily journal entries and the constant delving into my own self, was tiring some of the time when I really did not feel like sitting down and thinking about the things that I’m doing wrong in my life in, the changes I should probably make (which is basically what every entry boiled down to – changes I wanted/want to make). Something, maybe irrelevant, that just hit me is the name of my blog: “write&discover”. This is the name that I gave it the very same day it was created and to tell you the truth I have no idea why I chose that name more than a month ago. Now I look back at it and I find it perfect, but back then I had absolutely no clue how this blog was going to impact my life. So maybe, and I cannot believe I’m saying (or writing) this, but just maybe I named it “write&discover” because I had hope..? Hope that I would be able to discover useful things about myself, hope that throughout this month I would actually get the tools for becoming a better person, the person I want to be. Or maybe it wasn’t hope at all, but rather a name that came up with due to a sudden, rare, surge of inspiration (my skepticism talking).

Still I realize I have not said what struck me the most, and maybe that’s because I don’t know which experience was the biggest, most important, most relevant one. So many I can think of, the times where I surprised myself (quitting smoking), the times where I failed (smoked – started all over again), and the time when I realized just how low my self-esteem really is (constantly applying make-up, inability to speak up in class..). All these experiences, some good some bad, struck me in different ways at one point or another and therefore I regard them all as equally important and equally impressionable.

I would like to add some things that have struck me, not during the experience, but rather after the experience, meaning during the time between my last journal entry (November 22nd) and today (December 2nd). One of the things I noticed needs a preview in order for you to understand it, so here it is: one of the many things I wrote about in my entries is how I watch around 15 TV shows weekly (give or take a few), how I rarely miss episodes, and how “apparently, I'd rather spend my time watching how fictional people live their fictional lives instead of thinking about how I live my, real, life.” (quoting myself – blog entry #7). So, what did I do without even noticing? Without paying attention, and definitely not on purpose? I stopped watching all these TV shows, and it might sound as irrelevant, and unimportant, but to me this is a big step. A person who used to follow so many TV shows, a person who focused on the lives of others in order to avoid her own, suddenly stops doing this without the intent or the purpose, is a big deal on my book. This means that I have had more time in my hands, and what have I done with this time you may ask. Well, the second thing that struck me as quite surprising is the fact that I bought a book and actually found the time to start reading it less than a week ago. What I am trying to say is not that I don’t enjoy reading, but rather the opposite: I love reading. However, ever since I got here 2 ½ years ago I am pretty sure the only books I have read are the ones I buy in airports to read on the plane every time I go back and forth from here to Dominican and vice versa. The third (quite surprising for me), and last thing that I realized after finishing my entries is that I actually missed writing. I have constantly found myself thinking about what I would write that day, the thing that I noticed, an experiment I wanted to try, or simply something I wanted to change. And so, when I found myself consistently disappointed about the fact that my assignment was over I thought: who says it has to be over? The class may have ended but my life hasn’t, my opportunities for learning haven’t ended, the thrill I get when I achieve something I never thought I could doesn’t have to end, so in conclusion: my entries don’t have to end. And they won’t. I will continue to write. I will write about anything that comes to mind, so the blog will probably take a different direction, but the point is I will be letting everything out. I won’t be holding things in, which means that I won’t continue to sink in a whole of self-pity, resentment, and unhappiness, but rather I will find a way to get through my problems and through my frustrations through my writing which is what I truly love. So thank you, again, for yet another reason: thank you for helping me reconnect with my true passion: writing. And thank you for making me understand the one thing that I desperately needed in order to reconnect with the world rather than to simply go through it but not living: all hope is not lost, people can change, I can change, good things do happen, and life should be lived to its full extent.

There are two more things I would like to talk about: a regret, and a realization, respectively. The former I want to talk about not only because it is cause for improvement within myself, but also because for some reason I feel the need to explain myself. Explaining myself better, the one regret that I have throughout the duration of this course is how I robbed myself from the opportunity to leave a mark on anyone, I robbed myself of the opportunity to have and express my opinions, but most importantly I robbed myself from the opportunity to connect with others. What I mean by all this is that one of the reasons why I loved this course is because within the classroom, during our discussions and dialogues, when I heard my classmates expressing their honest opinions I felt some sort of bond form and even though I don’t know most of them and never will, a sense of understanding was created and will forever exist because I feel like once you know how a person thinks, then you practically know everything about them. And I truly regret not being able to express any of my own opinions, and therefore ruling out the possibility of someone else feeling this kind of connection with me and something I said or thought. I honestly feel like I was invisible within the classroom, which I know is my own fault because I could never bring myself to raise my hand and share my thoughts. I also know that this assignment is not about beating yourself up, but without a doubt I would have done things differently if I had had a second chance. Moreover, I would have liked to create some sort of an impression on you, Rennie, so that at least you could have a face for the name while you read this paper, or maybe remembered something I had said in class and connected the person to the writing. But this won’t happen because by making myself invisible, you and probably the rest of the class have no idea who I am.

The last thing I would like to share is my realization. As I was reading over my entries before writing this paper, I came across this passage that I wrote: “what am I doing here? Do I deserve to be here? Am I wasting my time, and my family's money? Would I be better off back home? Am I a failure? And then the million dollar question, what do I do? What do I do to make it better? What do I do to succeed? How do I not fail? Am I not working enough? Am I taking all this for granted? The questions are endless, and sadly the answers couldn't be scarcer”(entry #12). What I realized was that at this point in my life my questions outweigh my answers, by far. And what this means is that I actually have no idea what I am doing with my life, or where my life is heading. I do not even know where I would want my life to go simply because I have no idea of where I stand and what my future holds. What I do know is my present, what I do know is that the choices that I make today will impact my future choices, my future life, and well basically: my future. So if there is one thing I have learned from this project, from this class, from this prof., and from myself, is that dwelling on the past is worthless – what’s done is done, worrying too much about the future is useless because you never know what the future holds, but focusing on the present is the only way you will achieve your goals, the only way you will be able to say that you lived to a full extent.

Day31-Nov 22

Day 4 of eating mostly vegetables.

Meat and chicken have actually been the easiest thing to leave, as i was never much of a meat eating person, but eggs and cheese and yogurt, and milk chocolate, well that has definitely been harder. But every day that i keep going, every extra day that i don't eat any kind of animal derived food, i feel better about myself. I don't feel like i'm doing this only for myself, like cigarettes, but i feel like i'm actually doing something good for the world, something that can make me proud of myself, something that can actually make a difference.

So yeah, this will probably be my last entry since i have to start writing the report but i just wanted to say how much this class has changed my life, the way i view things, my opinions, my knowledge, and my values. It is a class where you see a lot of hard things, where you are forced to think rather than take the usual path of least resistance, where you reflect and think about situations and concepts you probably would never have given a second thought. It is an unforgettable class, and i will be forever grateful that i was made aware of the importance of creating a sustainable business, of the cruelty directed towards animals, of cooperatives, of 'cradle-to-cradle', of debates, of recycling, reusing, and everything else i touched on/discussed in class.

Day30-Nov 21

My mom got here today, and i must say i really missed her. I've actually been pretty homesick this term, and i dont know why. It feels good having her here. We went to the movies tonight, and then dinner with some friends. I told her about my attempt at veganism and she seemed curious about it, and sort of supportive, which i didn't expect. She, and my whole family, are the sort of people who would laugh if i came home saying i was an animal right activist, and i don't eat/wear/use anything that came from animals. They would laugh not because they are insensitive about what happens to animals, which they are but only because they don't have the slightest clue of what's happening to them every day on a global basis, but they laugh because they are so conservative, so Type-A, that they think that's hippie stuff, and they don't understand why anyone would willingly give up eating meat and drinking milk.

They are the kind of people that would say: there are much more important things in the world to worry about, like having a career that pays, study finance, get a job, etc. They're all about being practical as opposed to being happy. But i understand, you know? it's how they were raised, and it's what they know. I don't judge them, i just don't want to be like them. I want to have new experiences in life, i want to make mistakes and learn from them as opposed to being perfect and never doing anything wrong, i want to express my beliefs however i want to and still be accepted. And so i would very much like to show them some parts of the movie we watched in class on wednesday or something similar to it, not to change them and not to impose on them, but to have them understand, and respect me for my choices and for my beliefs.

Day29-Nov 20

Ok so this is officially day 2 of leading a vegan lifestyle and i have found it pretty hard so far. Well, not really hard but different, it is definitely a hard transition to make. One thing that i keep thinking about is the fact that i will never eat cereal again. At least not with milk, and it's not that i am a huge milk lover, actually im quite the opposite, i completely hate milk. I always have. But the past few years i have learned to make an effort because of the osteoporosis thing, my mom worries alot and so i try to please her. So yea, i do like to have my cereal with a little bit of milk and lots of sugar, and i love yogurt, and cheeses, and eggs. But i'm making a sacrifice for something that i truly believe in, and a difference that i want to make in this world. I will stick to vegetables, broccoli, lettuce, tomatoes, and i will figure out what to eat. I actually threw out two pieces of meat that were on my fridge right after i got home from watching the video. I couldn't even look at it. So i do feel good about what i am doing, although i have the feeling that i have been trying to do too many things at once, for example maybe i shouldn't have tried out being vegan at the same time that i'm making an effort to quit smoking. It seems like too many changes at once, and it just makes it more likely that i will fail at one of them And i can't. I won't. So what i'll do is i'll keep not smoking and doing everything i can to quit for good, and i'll try out the vegan diet for 1 week, and if i'm still struggling with the not smoking then i'll try to regulate my diet as much as i can while eating the least amount of animal products as i can. And when i quit smoking for good, then i can adopt the vegan diet for good. One thing at a time is probably better than too much, too fast.

Day28-Nov 19

I'm still thinking about that video, and i made a decision because of it. My last experiment will be to try to eat vegan for at least a week. I don't think i've ever felt so passio about anything in my life. At first, during the discussion in class yesterday about the video, i was uncertain about the difference between veganism and vegetarianism, but i have already researched all about it, and i really do want to try and see if i can do this. The only thing that worries me is not knowing where i'll get my calcium from. The problem is, my mom has struggled with severe osteoporosis for a few years now, and osteoporosis can be inherited which means that there is a possibility that i will suffer from it, and one of the things that can prevent it or at least delay it is increasing my calcium intake. Which, if i decide to go vegan, will actually not be possible since i will not be ingesting any product that contains milk, which is a primary source of calcium. So, as you can see, it's a good reason to be worried, but one week is not going to hurt me, so i will at least try it out for a week and see how it goes, and if i'd actually be able to do it. My question is, how do i do it? What do i eat? I read that vegans who have a planned diet and take dietary supplements can actually be very healthy, but those who don't can suffer from nutrient defficiency.

I actually found a website about a nonprofit organizations called "Vegan Action" that "is dedicated to helping the animals, environment, and human health, by educating the public about the benefits of a vegan lifestyle.." The website is full of useful information for those looking to try this lifesyle, and also recipes to try out that will make it an easier transition. So, i start today, and i'll let you know how it goes.

Day27-Nov 18

Video in class
Farm sanctuary.
Sorry, i just, i don't even know where/how to start talking about how i felt when i was watching that video. The only think that i do know is that i have never felt such strong emotions towards animals before in my life. Compassion, sadness, anger, more sadness, how can such forms of cruelty be accepted and done in the 21st century, how do people not realize what is happening, what kind of people actually do these things to animals, the slaughtering, the cutting of the beaks of chicks, the disposal of male chicks because they can't lay eggs. The treatment of the cows, how they're kept pregnant all the time so that they can give milk, how cows actually mourn and grieve for their calves when they are taken away, sheep, goats, horses, pigs, all these animals and how they are suffering all over the world all because humans believe they are the superior race and anything below us deserves to die. Do they not realize that we are all animals? just because we can reason and they can't does not mean they don't have emotions, does not mean they don't feel pain, does not mean they don't deserve a respect, and it certainly does not mean we can abuse them as we please just because we can.

And you know what, its not the death, i mean i understand that there is a chain in life and for example, lions kill other animals to survive and so on, what really hurts me is the cruelty. The cruelty with which it is done. The fact that they mistreat these animals from the day they are born, they are genetically engineered in one way or another in order to take the most advantage out of each animal, and then, after they have served their purpose, they are simply discarded, and either sent to the slaughter house where they will suffer a sure and awful death, or they are simply thrown out and left to die. Who deserves this in life? Why do we think we have the right to do this? Why are we so convinced that we are so superior? What if it was the other way around? What if creatures from other planets, creatures more developed than us, who consider themselves superior than us, simply decide to treat us as what we really are, animals? What will we do then? Will we regret what we did to these poor farm animals? Will be wish we'd never done it? Will we beg to live? Or will we accept that we were wrong and die quietly?

Day26-Nov 17

Day 1 of no smoking again.
Day 2 of no makeup
Day 2 of eating in
Day 2 of being more outspoken in class.
Day X of attempting to manage my time.
Day X of recycling/reusing paper.
These are my experiments. For now.


How have i been doing in each of these?
Summary:

-Well, i failed not smoking but i'm trying again. This time i'm pretty confident i'll make it just because i'm more determined than ever. I don't expect to fail twice at the same thing.

-Wearing no makeup is not making me feel good at all. I realized maybe not wearing any makeup isn't the solution. I don't really think there is anything wrong in wanting to feel good about myself, on making an effort towards my appearance, where the problem definitely lies is why do i need to put makeup on to feel good? Answer: self-esteem issues. How to fix this? no idea.

-Eating in is going well, i actually like it, it makes me feel more productive and less wasteful.

-Speaking up in class, well i tried it in my consumer behavior class, it actually wasn't as scary as i thought it would be. Truth be told it was just a question, but it's an improvement for me and i do feel good about it. Need to continue doing it in my other classes not only this term but the rest of my terms.

-Learning to manage my time better has not proven to be an easy task and the results are mixed. I found that it depends on the type of work that i'm trying to start on time. If i'm actually interested in the assignment, or the paper, or the subject then i have no problem in starting my work early and i actually do manage my time pretty well. However, when the assignment just feels like a chore, and does not interest me at all (most of the time), then i don't manage my time well at all. I actually get distracted all the time, and i procrastinate as much as ever.

-Recycling/reusing paper is going well. I try to save as much as i can, and reuse every single
sheet of paper. In a small way i feel like i am making a difference in the world or at least in myself, regardless of how small it is.

Day25-Nov 16

almost 8 days.. the big calendar that i have hanging from the bathroom has 7 big red X's marking off the days that i have been smoke free. today, i will have to tear down that calendar and start all over again, because yes, i failed. I smoked one cigarette today. I know i shouldn't have done it, and now i know how much i regret it, but i can't take it back, it seems like my addiction won over my willpower, which doesn't really surprise me, but it does upset me. i can't believe i was so weak. i can't believe i failed, but at least i'm not giving up, this is an incentive to work even harder this time, and of one thing i am sure, i will make it, maybe not the first time, maybe not the second, but no matter how many times it takes, i will quit smoking.

Funny thing how i smoked again on the same day that i started my other two experiments: Yes, today i started my "no wearing make-up before leaving the house", which wasn't really easy. I felt incredibly self-conscious and like everyone was staring at me as i was walking through bronfman without even blush on. I kind of cheated since at the beginning i counted moisturizer as makeup but i figured i at least need to put on some moisturizer so that my skin doesn't dry up. But nothing else, no blush, no foundation, no eyeliner, nothing. And honestly? i don't really like the feeling of wearing nothing. At least i feel more confident and better about myself when i know i look good, and when i know i took the time to make myself look good. But without any makeup on, i don't really feel like i look good, i feel exposed, naked, vulnerable, and open to criticism.

Today i also started eating 'in' more than 'out'. Eating the food i buy rather than letting it go bad. And well, i realized that all i have to do is plan ahead. for example if tomorrow i only have an hour for lunch then i know i'll make myself a sandwich or something quick, but if i have a lot of time, then i plan ahead and actually take out the ingredients of what i'm planning on cooking. This experiment hasn't been so bad, i definitely know i don't need to eat out, i'm just lazy more than anything and i'd rather buy something than cook it for myself.

Day24-Nov 15

ONE WEEK!
ONE SMOKE FREE WEEK!
I DID IITTT !!
one of the biggest things i have ever accomplished
i feel like a kid in a candy store
i couldn't be more proud of myself..

Ok so now that i have gone a whole week without smoking, i will try to do another week, and i'm guessing by the end of the second week, i won't even think about smoking anymore, right?
well, i certainly hope so.

on the other hand, i have decided on 2 more experiments:

1. the first one will be, NO MAKEUP FOR 6 DAYS. i will not wear any make-up at all when i leave my house starting tomorrow. i really want to see what happens when i try to do this tomorrow, but most of all i hope i'll be able to get an answer as to why i feel the need to pretend to be someone im not every single day of my life.

2. the second experiment will be a little less dramatic and life-changing but equally as important. I will try to eat out less, and will actually try to consume the food that i buy for myself every month before it goes bad. with this, i hope to reduce my excessive consumption of unnecessary food as well as the amount of food that goes bad precisely because of how much i eat out so.

Day23-Nov 14

Today, saturday, i realized 2 things, all within a half an hour of each other, and the two related to the same thing. ok so let me tell you what i discovered today. At around 12:20 this morning, i was sitting in my dinner table doing some studying. I got hungry so i decided to go downstairs to my depaneur and buy a sandwich for lunch. So i got up, and headed towards the door, when i suddenly remember that i didn't put my makeup on this morning. So thinking nothing of it, i turn around and head back to the bathroom where i proceed to apply on some make-up, and fix my hair for the next 6-8 minutes. After doing so, i go downstairs, and before i can even say: "ham and cheese please", the guy asks me if i want the usual: ham and cheese. And i feel good about the fact that he remembers me enough to know what i usually order. But as i was going back upstairs to my apartment is when i realized the two things that are seriously wrong with this picture:

1. why on earth would i have to take 8 minutes of my life to put on make-up and fix my hair just to go downstairs for 2 minutes and buy a sandwich? why do i feel the need to fix the way i look even when i know i'm not going to run into anyone? i feel like i'm not explaining clearly why i think this is so disturbing, but it just is. i mean, 10 minutes? make-up? for a sandwich? what is wrong with me?

2. the second thing i realized is that the reason why the guy downstairs knew what i usually order is because i've eaten there 4 times in the last 6 days. and the more i think about this the more i find it ridiculous and absurd because i just went to the supermarket less than a week ago. this means that i have more than enough food in my house to prepare, so why do i keep eating out? why do i eat out so often? what is happening then to the food i buy? well, stuff like vegetables and some fruits actually go bad in my fridge which means i have to throw them away without eating them at all. Which means that i am creating an unnecessary amount of waste, and my consumption has reached unparallel levels which are contributing to my carbon footprint in this world, something i had actually vowed to try and reduce.



oh, and if you haven't noticed, i haven't said one thing about cigarettes today.
6 days and counting.
it's definitely becoming a bit easier every day.
but it continues to be a challenge.
a challenge i will overcome, and challenge i will never forget.

Day22-Nov 13

Ok so 5 days. this is good. 2 more days and it'll be a week. i think i will make it. and i think i will quit smoking for good. but i should talk about something else today, since i feel like all i've been writing about for the past 5 days are cigarettes.



So i have decided on another experiment: i will try to be more outspoken in my classes. i will try to speak up more often, or at all is more like it. I wrote previously about why i usually don't say anything in my classes, why i don't even dare ask questions, much less participate in any kind of discussion, debate or dialogue, and i think it's time to change things. why? well, first of all if i ever want to have any kind of confidence in myself then i need to learn to trust myself. i need to be able to understand that my opinions are my opinions, and they're not wrong, they're just mine. I may not be the best public speaker, i may not be able to express myself as clearly as i would want, but what i have to say matters, and what i have to say may actually make a difference, or may actually change the way another person thinks, or it maybe not, maybe what i say won't impact anyone at all, but it will definitely impact me. It will help me. It will help me understand that there is no reason to be afraid. no reason to doubt myself. no reason to make myself think any less about myself. no reason to let others think less of me.

So yeah, i probably chose a bad timing for this since my month of journal/experiments is almost up and today is Friday which means i won't be able to start my experiment until monday. But at least i'll try for a few days, i'll do my best, and i'll report back and see how it went.

Day21-Nov 12

Four days. four smoke-free days. no smell on my apartment, no smell on my clothes, no lighter in every purse, and no more spending 10 bucks every 2 days. i feel like a whole other person, like i have energy for the first time in years, like i can do whatever i want, like i can actually have a little something called willpower, and although it has only been four days, to me, quitting smoking, four days means everything. four days means i can do it. four days means i have hope. four days means i can do four more. and then it'll be 8 days, and then maybe 12 days.

But i shouldn't get ahead of myself, tomorrow will only be 5 days. and i know it sounds insignificant, but to me it feels like its been two weeks. two weeks of fighting a constant, throbbing, urge to do something that i know is wrong. to do something that i know is harmful. to do something that i know i will regret later. and so i fight it. i fight the urge to smoke, and i fight the urge to eat, and i try to distract myself from this constant emptiness inside me, and the only thing that can get me by another minute, another hour, another day, is thinking about the consequence of what may happen if i fail. if i smoke. if i take at least one puff. how will i feel about myself? will i fell sorry? will i feel hopeless? will i feel pathetic, or will i simply feel like a failure?

Day20-Nov 11

3 days and counting. I'm finding myself doing all these things without really intending to like biting my nails (something i've never done), i'm so jittery but i don't even notice when i'm doing it, i've also stopped exiting bronfman from the back and going out through the front because i feel like there is always someone smoking in the back and i'm so tempted to ask for a cigarette. Also, i can't stop thinking about smoking. Sometimes i almost convince myself that one cigarette is not gonna hurt, and that one cigarette is not really gonna count as a relapse because i won't smoke any more. I'm almost avoiding friends who smoke, for example yesterday i went to pick something up at a friend's house and i was in and out in less than 5 minutes and when i got home and thought about how rude i must have seemed leaving so fast was when i realized why i had left so fast. I didn't want any temptation to ask him for a cigarette or to buy a pack of my own, and i did it. So i'm actually feeling good about myself, so far so good.

Also i wanted to talk about something that i realized today in social context class, well actually i didn't realize it today, i've always known, i was just reminded today of how much this is a disability for me: i've always been an incredibly shy person. I hate speaking up in class even if i'm dying to say something, i never do. And today when the guest speaker started talking about Dominican Republic and Haiti, and why Haiti has so much deforestation while DR does not, for some weird reason i thought he was actually going to say that DR was at fault for this. I don't know why i thought this at all, probably because it seems like people are always blaming Dominican Republic for Haiti's problems. But in that split second i was so mad and ready to put my hand up and defend my country. And that's when i started thinking about why i never say anything in class. And i do this even in classes when i know participation is part of the grade, and it's not like i don't have anything to say because i do, i always have an opinion, i listen, and i fight with myself because one part of my wants to raise her hand and the other one, the stronger one, just doesn't dare. i usually have so many excuses though:

1. Since english is my second language i usually have some trouble explaining myself specially if i'm nervous

2. I'm the kind of person who needs to know exactly what i want to say before i say it (unlike like other people (you, rennie) who think while they talk), and usually class discussions are going so fast that i feel like i'm getting bombarded with so much information at the same time that by the time i know what i want to say it doesn't even make sense anymore.

3. In complete honesty? I'm just scared of sounding stupid in front of everyone, scared of not being able to add anything of value to the discussion, scared of saying something wrong, scared of being laughed at.

Day19-Nov 10

Almost two days without smoking. It seems like forever since the last time i smoked, but its barely been two days. I'm getting worried that i might not be able to last a week. I've been doing tons of research on quitting smoking, and i've done so many things that they say help but most of the time all i think about is having a cigarette. I actually found a website that gave a few home remedies that would help fight the urge like eating something salty when you want to smoke, having lots of juice on the first days after you quit because your sugar level will decrease (which i guess is why i have been feeling a little dizzy and tired), i've even had a little bit of water and baking powder (which is disgusting) after every meal because it supposedly helps. I even printed out a calendar of the month of november, hung it on my bathroom mirror and started crossing out the days that i've been cigarette-free, the idea being that the more days i cross the more reluctant i'll be to breaking the streak and smoking again. And to be honest, i think it has helped mostly because i set myself an initial goal of 1-week without smoking which will at least get me to finish a week and if i do it then i'll do another week. But i think not thinking about it as a forever kinda deal, is actually making it a little bit easier for me.

So, although my mind is pretty much completely occupied with this no smoking thing, i feel like i should start another experiment. I mean, recycling paper is going well, and the managing my time experiment has actually been pretty hard as well. What i've come to realize with that experiment and with this one is that changing pre-existing behaviors is not something that can be done overnight and without effort. I've always been a person who leaves everything to the last minute and changing that is going to take a lot of determination and discipline, which really aren't my strongest points. With cigarettes though i feel like it's different, mostly because i want it so bad, I want to quit smoking, i want to be able to say i did this, and be proud of it, and i think i really am really making an improvement. Although now i'm thinking that quitting cold turkey probably wasn't such a good idea, but i didn't really like the idea of wearing patches, and i guess the gum i should've started right away in order to slowly decrease my nicotine intake, which i didn't do so i'm guessing i shouldn't start now. Ok, getting off track, goal: think about a new experiment.

Day18-Nov 9

Day 1 of my "quit smoking experiment": Haven't smoked a cigarette all day. I've basically been trying to avoid doing the things that make me want to smoke. For example i didn't have any coffee today, as soon as i had lunch i went for a walk instead of sitting around waiting for the craving to start, and i haven't sat on my couch to watch silly tv shows all day. Partly because i've barely had 5 minutes to myself all day, but mostly because when im sitting down doing absolutely nothing is when i want to smoke the most.

Pretty ironic is the fact that the day that i stop smoking i get a horrible cough that just won't go away. All the coughing gave me a headache. But i think i'm just coming down with the flu or something. I also went to the gym today and worked my ass off for an hour and a half. I think the gym is gonna be a good substitute for smoking. The gym will be my friend. Whenever i'm craving a cigarette i'll just distract myself by working out. That's exactly what i need: ways to distract myself. I can't really go to the gym 24/7, so what else can i do to keep my mind off the craves? Well, i guess i can go to the library all day and in between classes, which would probably work because the library is far away deps which will reduce the temptations to just give in and buy a pack. Or maybe not, being stuck in the library is stressfull, stress makes me want to smoke, which is exactly what i'm trying to avoid. Maybe the library wasn't such a good idea. Im out of ideas. I guess i'll come up with something as i go. Tomorrow will be another day, another challenge. Maybe i'll come up with new ways of coping that'll really help me kick cigarettes for good.

Day17-Nov 8

Ok so exactly 10 minutes ago i smoked what i believe will be my last cigarette. I'm actually pretty nervous about this experiment. I mean, what if i can't stop smoking? What if the urge is too strong? Will i gain weight? Will i get compulsive? Maybe quitting cold turkey is not such a good idea. Maybe i should try the gum? or the patch? I don't think i know anyone who quit smoking cold turkey or at all actually, so i have no idea what i'll be in for starting tomorrrow. Oh god, i disturbing thought, will i have to stop drinking coffee? I mean coffee and cigarettes go together, how will a be able to drink a cup of coffee without wanting a cigarette? Ok i have decided i will try this experiment for a week. If i get past the week without having one cigarette, then i'll set myself the same experiment for another week and so on, and i'm thinking after 2 weeks it'll be much easier, right?

All this stress is already making me crave another cigarette. What about during exams? I once read that it's not a good idea for smokers to quit smoking before/during exams. I don't really remember the actual scientific reason why, but basically the stress and the craving interfere with studying and your state of mind as you're going through it. But these are just excuses, and my head is full of them. I just need to stop making excuses if i really want to do this. And i really want to do this. I can do this. And i will.

Day16-Nov 7

So, I've been trying to use less paper (printing paper, napkins, paper towels, tissues), and recycle what i can, and it really hasn't been much of a challenge. I mean, it's not like its a very hard experiment, but once i started noticing the amount of paper i use and trying to reduce it i realized all it takes is a sort of rewiring of the brain. What i mean is that if i'm constantly conscious of what/why/how i'm doing things then its easier to change the things that need changing. For example, if i know that im going to recycle as much printing paper as i can, all i do is keep a pile of paper that is only used on one side next to the printer so when im going to print something i'll just put in the used paper. And when i'm about to clean one little spill with a whole square of paper towel, then i either wait to have a little more to clean in order to use it entirely, or i clean it up but keep the paper towel close by for the next spill instead of throwing it out without using it to its full extent.

And I know this was a small step, and a small start, but by doing it i actually feel better because it makes me feel like the next step won't be so hard, and the next one as well, and as they get bigger, they will also get easier. This is actually a comforting thought considering i have decided that my next experiment will be to quit smoking. So yeah, i'm almost done with what i hope will be my last pack of cigarettes and once i'm done with them my experiment will start, and if i can go a week without smoking it will be a huge accomplishment for me, and if i can quit for good then it'll be amazing and it'll be something i can be proud of.

Day15-Nov 6

Today was my first day doing the recycling paper experiment, and i think it went well. I only used 2 napkins and one paper towel, which i used to its full extent before throwing it away. But, as i'm sitting here, writing about napkins and paper towels, i realize i want to to something bigger, something deeper, something that really means something, a change in my life. What can i change about the way i am, or the way i live that will not only help me feel better about myself but will also help the environment? Whatever it is im sure recycling is not the answer. But what is? I need to dig deeper into myself, find reasons for the way that i do the things i do, change them if wrong, or enhance them if right. How can i, alone, make a difference in this world?

Well, honestly, i have no idea. Call me pessimistic, yet again, but i don't really see how one person can do much to change anything. I mean, of course there are exceptions, there are those who are fully and completely committed to a cause, there are those who are simply so brilliant it's impossible for them not to change the world somehow, but then there are people like me who don't really excel at anything in particular and who go through life content with merely being mediocre at everything that they do. So how can these people make an impact?

Well, for starters someone could tell them (me) to build up some self-esteem. But it's not that i have such low self-esteem, it's just that i'm realistic about who i am and i don't feel the need to find excuses for it. I simply accept it, and move on with it. My sister, and 2 cousins are the brain of the family, i'm simply the baby. They don't really expect anything from me, which kinda made me grow up not expecting anything from myself. And although i don't, sometimes all i want to to is make my family, my mom, proud. And i don't know how to do that when i'm always feeling like the odd one out. But i'm getting off the subject, an impact, something real that can revolutionize the world, or maybe my life. How can i achieve that? Where do i even start?

Day14-Nov 5

One other experiment i've thought about doing is recycling paper. I mentioned in one of my past journal entries how much paper i waste, and how little attention i pay to the amount of paper i use which end up creating huges amount of waste. I already started recycling cans and plastic bottles a few weeks ago so that doesn't really count for my project, but i found a really interesting video[1] that basically mentioned 7 things you can do to be more eco-friendly and one of the things was recycling as much paper as we can. And when i saw it i realized that i use so much paper, and i never recycle it. For example, my printer doesn’t have the option of printing double-sided so every time i do want to print something double sided i have to go print one page, turn it around, print it again and so one. As you can see, this takes a lot of time specially when I’m printing a 20 or 30-page document, so when I’m in a hurry, which is most of the time, i don’t print it double sided which is extremely wasteful. But i will try from now on to print things double sided, and not just printing them, when i have no more use for these documents i'll keep them and print on the other side. I'm calculating that this would reduce my consumption of paper by half.

And i won't only do this with printing paper, i'm also going to try to minimize my consumption of napkins and paper towels. Today i realized that i use so many napkins a day, and most of the time i've never actually used them. For example, today i was having lunch and i took a napkin to the table, and although i didn’t really use it, i ended up throwing it away. And now that i think about it i do this every day, and even more with paper towels: every time I’m cooking i make a huge mess on my cabinets, but i clean it right away so i technically use a whole square of paper towel to clean one little mess. And if i spill something 5 times while I’m cooking, and i cook and actually meal at least 5 times a week, then that means I’m using 25 squares of paper towels a week. 25 squares of paper towels that aren't even used completely because cleaning up a little spilled oil doesn't really take a whole square. So I’m thinking i can reduce my usage of paper towels by half by simply cleaning everything after I’m done cooking, not every time i make a mess. This means that i will use a whole square of paper towel before throwing it out, and might only use 1 or 2 every time i cook instead of using 5. So yeah, i think this will be one of my experiments, and i'll let you know how it goes.













[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iKqrYLESH8

Day13-Nov 4

I don't really know what to talk about today. I've spent all my free time today doing nothing, watching shows on my computer, and procrastinating. Since high school i've been a master procrastinator, i have no idea how to manage my time and i never start anything on time. I honestly wish i could, but it's just not in me. And i know i could do so much better at school, at my projects, exams, and assignments if i could just start them ahead of time or at least on time, and not have to be worried sick when the deadline comes and feel the pressure and the nerves because i might not finish on time. Like right, now i feel like my head is exploding, but i need to start doing some research for a project that is due soon. If i had done this even a week earlier, then i wouldn't have to work when im not feeling good, but i know that i can't delay it any further because if i do, then i definitely won't finish it on time. And this is not only for projects and assignments, for my classes as well. If i would only start reading the chapters, summarizing them, and practicing from the beginning then i wouldn't have to cram everything a few days before the exam. I wouldn't have to sit for hours at the library, reading the chapters for the first time, memorizing everything at the last minute, and feeling like my head is going to burst at any second.

So another experiment that i'm planning on starting is learning to manage my time. I'm not sure how i'm going to do this yet, maybe making a specific schedule for every day of the week, a schedule which i can't deviate from, a schedule that works, that keeps me up to date with my schoolwork and that still allows me some free time for myself (although this is doubtful).

Day12-Nov 3

My last post i was talking about how much i hate group meetings and the fact that i'm so overworked that i'm tired all the time and can't even seem to think straight. Well, today was my big presentation that i had been preparing for for about 3 weeks. And you know that feeling that you get when you finally finish something that you have been working so hard for, and you know you did a good job and that all the work that you put into it finally paid off? Yeah, well that's how i felt at about 5:30 today when we finished our presentation. I felt proud, and happy, and light, and giddy, and well, proud of myself. And afterwards, when i sat down for a 2 hours and 1/2 group meeting, even though my head felt like it was exploding i wasn't really paying attention because all i could think about was sleep, through the exhaustion i actually didn't mind it all that much. Why? Because i work as hard as i work for the high that i get afterwards, when i know i did a good job and when i know that my hard work was not for nothing. But what happens when i work my ass off and i don't see any rewards? What happens then? Well, i hate it when that happens. And to tell you the truth, what happens most often to me is not the situation where my hard work pays off, but just the opposite. And i keep thinking, how do i not get discouraged when 4 out of 5 times that i go into a midterm, no matter how many hours i put into it, and how much i studied, i never get the results that i want? And believe me, it's not that my expectations are over the roof ridiculous, they're not. I'd usually be content with being a but above average, but when im not then all the same questions start popping into my head: what am i doing here? do i deserve to be here? am i wasting my time, and my family's money? would i be better off back home? am i a failure? and then the million dollar question, what do i do? what do i do to make it better? what do i do to succeed? how do i not fail? am i not working enough? am i taking all this for granted? the questions are endless, and sadly the answers couldn't be scarcer.

Day11-Nov 2

I just got out of a 4 1/2 hour long group meeting for a really big presentation that i have tomorrow. I feel like i have literally spent the better part of this semester in bronfman, specially the basement. It's gotten to the point where i can't even stand to walk down the stairs anymore. I've had days where my food intake consisted solely on salt and vinegar chips, and endless cans of coke. This semester for me has definitely been more work than any other, but even though i complain, even though i want to get it over with, i actually enjoy what i do. I enjoy studying and learning, and working my ass off and later enjoying my grades because every time i think about my friends who had to stay in Dominican Republic, my friends who go to college there, do absolutely nothing, learn absolutely nothing and still have honors, i remember how lucky i am to be here.

How lucky i am about the fact that when i talk to my friends and all they talk about is how they spend their weekends and even week days partying nonstop, i'm remembered of the opportunity it is to be here, and i'm grateful that i ahve it. And although i hate mcgill for making me study so hard, i actually thank mcgill for letting me live out a real college experience, for letting me be here, for letting me learn not only from my classes and my teachers but also from the people here, because the few people that i have met, have actually changed the way i think about things, the way i express myself, even the way i look at the world. So yeah, i am overworked, i am tired, i'm sick of the library, sick of the bronfman basement, sick of the asian food and sick of the bad coffee, but i don't think i have ever been this grateful for anything in my life.

Day10-Nov 1

Today, as i was walking up and down st. catherine, i realized how much i shop. How much useless things i buy, and when i got home i went to my closet and counted the pieces of clothes that i've actually never worn. total = 17. My closet here is pretty full, and my closet back home is at least twice as big as my closet here, which means that the things in my closet back home that i've never worn and have no intention of wearing are double. Thats 30 pieces of clothing, from shirts, to jeans, to shoes, that i own but have never worn, and don't plan on wearing.

On my defense, i do clean out my closet about once or twice a year and i've never actually thrown anything away, i just give it to my nanny who takes it home to her family or the kids in her neighborhood. (When i say my nanny, i mean tata. Tata is the woman who has worked in my house since i was 2 months old. This means she's been with my family for 20 years, and to me she's my second mother. She's part of the family. We talk every day, i tell her more things than i even tell my mom, and i have no idea what i would do without her). And this time i did the same, i took everything to the salvation army, which i know is not a huge sacrifice but it's a lot better than simply taking the easy way and throwing it away which means that i would possibly be depriving another person of clothes to wear. I really want to keep doing this, so one of my experiments will be to clean out my closet every 6 months and take everything that i don't need/wear to the salvation army. This process will be for the rest of my life and won't repeat itself until april so i don't know if it could count as an experiment or not. But i'm not doing this for a grade, i'm doing it for myself.

So going back to my original problem: shopping. I don't really know why i always have this idea that shopping will make me feel better. I don't know why i assume that material things will somehow make me feel better and make me forget whatever is going on in my mind at the time. And also, what is my constant need for something new doing for the environment? In one of my reading reflections i made a promise that i would take the ecological footprint quiz again at the end of the semester and see if i had accomplished my goal of reducing my total earths by at least 2. This is one of the things i need to change if i plan on achieving that goal and not only to prove that i can do it by the end of the semester, but also forever. I don't want to forget all these things that i have learned throught the last 2 months, i dont want to feel passionate about it now, and just forget it 6 months from now. I want to make a real difference, i want to feel like i'm doing something to better the world somehow even if its not really measurable but rather felt.

Day9-Oct 31

Today, as i was walking around the block just getting a breath of fresh air, i started thinking about my country. I started thinking about all the things that are wrong about Dominican Republic and whether it will ever find a way to grow, prosper, and grow. I know we're an incredibly poor country, but then why do we have such an abnormally high rate of consumption? Why is it that people would rather buy a fancy car than to find a roof to put over their childrens' heads? What kind of mentality does a country like that have? What kind of mentality did i grow up with? What kind of person am i? A person who is so used to watching kids begging on the streets that takes it as a given and couldn't even be bothered to give it a second thought. And knowing all along that whatever amount of money those kids get that day will not be going into food or a roof for their families but rather it will be going either to their fathers who will loose themselves in booze and probably beat them half to death, or it will be going to such things as paint or glue that the kids use as drugs to help them forget about the fact that they're so hungry? What about when i look at mothers who go out to the street with newborn babies in their arms just because they're smart enough to know that they will receive more compassion, and more money, by displaying their kids like manikins?

I know we're a poor country, but who is helping us? Our politicians are corrupt to the point that they don't even allocate a justified amount to education because deep down they'd rather the people stay illiterate and uneducated so that they can keep stealing and taking advantage without anything to worry about. How does someone respond to that? What, if anything, can i possibly do to help? And i know i'm one of the lucky ones, i have a home, i had the best education my country can offer, i get to travel and i get to study abroad. But i get here, and i look at Canada, and i look at how my friend who is a canadian resident actually receives a check from the government to 'help out' and i think about the way things are back home. And it makes me sad, and it makes me angry because honestly, i dont see a way out for us. I have no faith or conviction whatsoever that my country can someday be better.

I know this is not the kind of thing i should be writing in my journal, but this is mostly what i thought about today, it's what i felt like writing about, and i just needed to let it out.

PS: i know the dates don't match but it's because usually what i want to write about comes to mind randomly during the day, so if i don't have my computer with me i just write it in a word document and i post it later (i don't really know how to operate, or even access this blog from another computer, its kinda sad how technologically inept i am)

Day8-Oct 30

Its the day before halloween. I haven't gone out in a month. Actually more than a month, maybe a month and half, and i must say i miss it. The thing is, at first i didn't have the time to go out because i was cooped up in the library all the time studying, but now i'm finally done with midterms, at least for now. But now that i want to go out i realize that i have no one to go out with. I feel like i have no friends anymore. At least not here, im tired of the bubble all the dominicans live in, and the one reason why i left Dominican Republic and came to school here was to get away from how way things were back home. But i spent my first 2 years here living the same life i lived when i was home, going to the same places, talking about the same things, not trying anything new, not taking advantage of the opportunity that i'm lucky to have by being here, and just doing that same things every day, every weekend, every week, every month and every year.

Except this year, this year i have disconnected myself completely from them, from the life i used to lead here, i haven't been out in weeks, in a month and a half actually. And i was happy about it, but now that i have done this, now that i want to forget everything, now that i finally want to go out with my friends i realize that i dont have any friends anymore. I have no one to go out with and no one to call. I isolated everyone and the only friend that i still have, left me one the weekend of my birthday and went to new york for the weekend. I haven't even been able to celebrate my birthday, which was 2 days ago. So, its friday night and i'm sitting in my couch writing about how pathetic my life is, and at 10:00 i'm ready to go to bed. So, im off to bed. 'night.

Day7-Oct 29

Not my birthday anymore. Today, when i was trying to study for finance, and i kept watching episodes of 'how i met your mother' every 20 minutes i realized how much time i waste every single day watching tv shows. Seriously, i watch like 15 tv shows every week, that's 25 hours of my week that i could have spent doing something useful with my life, and instead i spent watching tv shows that mean nothing to me and that i follow just because it makes me forget what disappointment my life really is. How much more productive would i be if i didn't watch all these useless tv shows? But then again, if i did stop following them then what would i do with my spare time?

I have learned over time, and a wise friend told me about 20 minutes ago, that "an unoccupied mind always brings up trouble". And its true. Like for example, this is exactly the reason why i love reading. I read because for me its a way to loose myself into someone else's world. A way for me to forget about my problems and immerse myself into this other fantasy world where i never know what's going to happen, where i'm constantly kept guessing, and where nothing is impossible. I mean, who wouldn't want that? But every since i got to McGill i don't have time to read anymore. I haven't bought a single book since i came to montreal 2 1/2 years ago. The books that i have on my shelf are books that i bring with me from home to read on the plane every time i come back, and every once in a while i remember how much i love reading. How much i love concentrating so much on a book that i forget what is happening in my life at the time and how i just can't close that book at night and go to sleep because all i want to do is find out what happens next. But then again, i say i don't have time to read books anymore, but i spend 15 hours of my week watching tv shows. Apparently, i'd rather spend my time watching how fictional people live their fictional lives instead of thinking about how i live my, real, life. How lame is that? Sorry, how pathetic is that? Seriously, i need to get a life.

Day6-Oct 28

I actually had a better birthday than i thought i would. I can't believe how homesick i am, and i dont even understand it because i have been living here for 2 and a half years, and now im feeling homesick?

ok well, what else?..Today i realized that every two days give or take someone tells me i should stop smoking, or someone asks when i'm gong to stop smoking, and i always say: soon, i'll stop smoking soon. Im not sure when exactly i started saying that, but i feel like ive been saying it for the better part of the last two years. And i have i quit smoking? no. Have i made much of an effort to quit smoking? no, i haven't. Why haven't I? I mean i do want to quit. I do think about it. Problem is, the few times that i have tried have been too hard to actually quit. I usually don't last more than 2 days. So, i guess my problem is that im not sure if i actually can quit. I know i can be, and usually am, very hard on myself and doubtful, but i feel like this is outside my control. It's not a question of whether i want to, but rather a question of whether i can.

Another thing is how selfish i now realize i have been. Ive always thought of my smoking as my problem not anyone else's. But the truth is, everyone around me is affected by my smoking. Not only my friends who i subject to second hand smoke, or some innocent bystanders when i'm smoking in the street, but also the environment. I mean, i don't have any stats or data that would tell me how much my personal smoking actually harms the environment, but im pretty sure its huge. And here i am thinking only about myself again, how much does everyone's smoking affect the environment? So, i have decided that one of the things im going to try to accomplish for my conscious living project is to quit smoking. I'm not sure yet if im going to try doing it cold turkey or whether i'll buy the gum or the patch, but im definitely going to try very hard to leave that addiction behind and not let it rule my life. I'm actually pretty excited about this.

oh well, thats all for tonight.

Day5-Oct 27

Today is one of my best friend's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. We call it 'our birthday'. I miss him. I don't remember the last time we actually got to celebrate our birthdays together. I know the answer should be 3 years ago before i came to mcgill, but when i was back home i was always grounded for my birthday so i cant even remember if we got to celebrate our birthdays together during our senior year. Actually, i cant remember a birthday in which i actually had a good time. I know a lot of people say this, but i literally hate my birthday. It's usually just like any other day, and i do enjoy people calling my most of the time but honestly i just don't feel like acting cheerful and pretending im all happy about my birthday when im not. And i miss my family. I wish they could be here with me tomorrow. And i miss my friends so much. I try to keep in touch, but every time i go back home its like they have their own life, their own jokes, their own world which im not a part of anymore. Its not like i dont have friends here, i do. Not many though, i can actually count them with one hand, but some. And i am grateful for the opportunity to be here, but i just feel so alone sometimes.

Getting back to the point, today i realized that im not very sociable. I've barely met anyone here and i've been living here for 2 and a half years. Ok, its not that i dont know anyone, i know people. But i haven't actually made friends, only people i say 'hi' to and keep walking. The thing is, im convinced i dont make a very good first impression. I have friends that have actually told me they hated me the first time they met me. Once they get to know me though, apparently im better. And i am, im a good friend actually. And im lucky to have an amazing group of friends. Which is why i miss them all the time, which is why although i love going back home for holidays deep down i dread it a little just because i know im going to feel like an outsider. Ok the point is, i really need to be more loose, and confident, and social. I mean, i came here thinking that when i left it would be after meeting some of the most amazing people in the world and with great friendships that would last forever, but no, that hasn't happened and i know its because i dont make even the slightest effort to make it happen. I dont try to meet new people, and i dont try to make friends our of the people that i already know. I just kind of expect everything to happen by itself, and that's not just regarding friends, but about everything. I seem to think that things will solve themselves on their own or that someone is going to solve it for me. So how will i ever improve/change anything if im not bothered to put the slightest bit of effort into the things i want to change?

ok well, im done for the night
think im gonna go to sleep
happy birthday to me

Day4-Oct 26

The video we watched today in social context class really made me think about the way i think about things. What i mean is, i'm actually worrying about my skepticism regarding humanity, and my pessimism when it comes to believing things can actually change. Me and my friend Patricia are always arguing on opposite ends. She isn't really a perfect optimist like my friend Ricardo, but she does believe that the world can be a better place, she does think people can change, and yes, she's way more optimistic than i am. Meanwhileile i'm on the other side of the discussion bringing on the negativism. I read in a magazine that people should try to stay away from other people who are constantly pessimistic and negative because those kinds of people don't really add anything to a person's life. Ever since i read that i cant stop thinking about the fact that maybe the way i think about things actually may be harmful to the people around me, the people that i love, my friends, my family. How do you deal with the fact that you are harming the people you love the most just because you are so afraid of getting hurt that you just naturally assume nothing is ever going to work out, that people will never change, and that thinking that they might is just an easy way of building up hope and then getting shot down? "Hope for the best, expect the worst" These are words i live by, and why? Because i'm not willing to put myself up for suffering, i'm not willing to open myself up to people, i don't trust and i don't let myself build hope because experience has taught me that the fall is always harder than the rise.

Anyways i kind of got off track, what i planned on writing about was the video we saw in class today. It was basically about how the ideas of two people (an architect and an ecologist i think) have been revolutionizing the way business is being done all around the world. Solutions are being discovered to problems that no one thought could be fixed, and not just any solutions but simple, cost-effective, and environmentally friendly solutions. While i was watching it, it finally hit me that there are people out there trying to make a difference, trying to reduce the enormous amounts of waste that large companies generate, trying to make not only recyclable and reusable products that actually degrade into something that becomes food for the very same earth and soil that provided us with the raw materials to make those products in the first place.

Another thing i got really excited about today: i think i mentioned in one of my earlier posts or maybe in a reading reflection that i consume a lot of paper and that sometimes i don't even print on both sides. Well, today i bought 100% recyclable paper and i love it. I know its an incredible small step, but still it's a step for me. I'm actually considering these things when i go out and buy products, i'm looking for ecologo signs, and i'm looking for recyclable and reusable products. This is a step for me, and i'm proud of it.

Day3-Oct 23

Today I was printing out the readings for this class and i noticed how much paper i actually waste. I print at least 30 pages every week and some of the things i print are not even double sided because i just don't have the time to sit there and turn the page and print again. So i realized i wanted to do better for the environment, and i realized that i could in some small way, so i decided to write my journal entries for the conscious living project on a blog. This way i'm being more environmentally friendly, which is what we have actually been learning in class all semester long. This is why the dates don't match up on the previous two entries because I just copied them from the previous word document that i had created for the journal.

What else did i realize today? well, actually, today i was running a little late for a group meeting. But why was i late? Well, i woke up later than i should have, but that's not the reason. What i noticed today was that i spent a whole 10 minutes putting on makeup. And then i tried to remember the last time i left the house without wearing some kind of makeup, and i honestly can't remember. I know this doesn't seem interesting, or much of a reflection, but what i keep thinking about is why? Why do i feel the need to put makeup on whenever I leave the house? When did i get to obsessive? Why did i get so obsessive? But most importantly, when did i get so shallow and insecure? And what can i do to change the things i don't like about myself? And why does it seem like all my entries have to do with something i want to change?

Day2-oct 24

Last night i put my alarm clock to 9:00 am. Early, i know but i really need to start studying for my finance midterm next week, which im really nervous about. So, my alarm went off at 9am and when i finally got out of bed at 10:30 i realized i had hit 'snooze' every 5 minutes for an hour and a half. that's 18 times that i woke up every 5 minutes and hit 'snooze' just so that i could sleep 5 more minutes. And this wasn't only today, lately it has gotten so hard for me to get out of bed, i can't even remember the last time i got up without hitting snooze. So it got me thinking, have i actually been so sleep deprived that now I'm tired all the time? No, not really. I'm usually in bed way before 12, which means that most days I get a full 8 hrs of sleep. Why is it so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning? My mother always thinks im depressed because i've never really worked so hard at school as i have this semester, which has left absolutly no time for anything else (friends, social interactions, nothing..). But i'm not, at least i don't think i am. Mostly i'm just focused on what i have to do this term and how i want it to end. This doesn't make me depressed, it just makes me determined.

Something else I realized today is that I am an extremely competitive person. I'd never thought of myself that way and it makes me wonder if its actually bronfman's, mcgill's fault. I know it sounds ridiculous but what I mean is that where I grew up my classmates actually helped each other, no one simply tried to get ahead, probably because they didn't care enough, but when I got here I realized that the general mentality is "every man for himself". And today I realized I'm becoming one of them. I want to be #1, I want to be the best, I want to be acknowledged for my hard work and I don't really mind putting in the hard work as long as I get rewarded. I never realized i could have so much determination, just to be recognized. And I can't decide if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I mean, its a bad thing because it means i'm cutting myself off from others, and i'll continue doing so as long as i keep thinking about beating them instead of helping them. And I guess it could also be a good thing because it means that I can be competitive, and I can do better for myself, better than others. Yeah, I guess this is where this is all coming from, my constant need to prove to my mother that I can be as smart as my sister, and if not as smart, then at least as successful as her. So, again, the story of my sister and i and how i feel like we're constantly compared and i'm always falling short, can be discussed at another time.